back of a spreadsheet; back of the net

My son, the Captain, recently turned 11.

I think he's ready to do some chores around the house. He's a reasonably sensible and trustworthy eleven year old.

My own experience of turning eleven and picking up some jobs around the house is, I think, not an ideal guide to how this should be done. My mum was a single parent to 4 kids, I'm the eldest. Things were fraught and a not necessarly well thought through.

So what are some reasonable jobs around the house for an eleven year old?

The weekend was moderately successful. The main business, the seventh birthday of the Captain and associated ceremonials passed off well.

My mum has arrived to help out with getting the holiday let house in good shape. She's a great gardener so she's giving the garden a good once over. She's also doing bit of DIY and generally being on hand to keep tradesmen focused. She also has a job to do exploring the village and surrounds and making friends with the locals.

My daughter came up from university for the weekend arriving on Friday.

I got home from a week of being successfully audited by internal audit fo find my family waiting for me and all well and in good spirits.

Family takeaway from the nice Thai takeaway with mum and dad, MLW, BB and the Captain. All very nice until my dad picked a fight with my mum about the need for more populism in the NHS and I called him a Faragist. (There being in my view a very important distinction between popular engagement and populist engagement.)

Saturday, no early morning football due to the Captain's foot injury. Mum and MLW made an early morning run to B&Q. Then the Rugby. A mass expedition of MLW, the Captain and I, the Captain's Good Friend and his dad, an old school friend of mine, her husband and their rugby mad son to Murrayfield to watch Scotland (still in contention for second) play Italy (still in contention for their first win of the tournament). Sadly for both teams neither was to be. In not great conditions for precision rugby Scotland ran in four tries for a 29-0 victory. This somewhat flattered us as the Italian kicker missed three straightforward kicks at goal and then gave up prompting a ten minute passage of Italy kicking for the corner and having their driving maul not work. So of Scotland's kicking out of hand was of questionable quality and value and the crowd got a bit bored, frustrated and restless. I'm not saying the crowd were unhappy but if not exactly disgruntled they were very far from gruntled. They cheered up after a well attended Mexican wave and the bonus point-winning fourth try. I'm told the game looked better on TV than from the North stand.

Fairwell Vern Cotter, but not I hope adieu to Scotland's more attacking, higher quality style of play.

The Captain had a small nap in the backseat of the car on the way home. He'd been very excited about his birthday, often waking during the night for a visit to our bed and was very, very tired. Happy but tired.

I introduced mum to rugby with the second half of the Wales - France match. Explaining the last 20 minutes put me on my metal but I think I managed to convey some of the game and she picked up on the potential moral hazard of the French doctor. As little as can be said about the England - Ireland game the better. Sadly, the chips did not fall where they needed to for Scotland to finish second, or even third and we ended the Six Nations with a muted 4th. I'd have taken that at the begining of the tournament. We must rue the missed opportunity for a fourth try against England.

Sunday arrived. Early. The Captain's party was at 10am in a massive softplay dome. It's the old Leith water park, now converted in to a muti-story climbing frame. It's definately the best in Edinburgh. He and his friends had a grand time. The event was well run by the venue staff and MLW. Everyone had a lovely time. My son has the sweatiest head in his class.

Home for presents, of which there were many. The quality of toys and co is definately higher than it was ten or twenty years ago. The main big present is a PlayStation 4 with Lego Dimensions. I have no idea what to do. Nor does the Captain. It took me hardly any time to set it up but a while for the controllers to charge up. A short play, then out for tea, then home for some more epic Lego adventuring.

All in all in a fine weekend.

I've had a rather lovely weekend. MLW was away for some it so the Captain and I had some time together.

On Friday MLW and I watched the Wales vs France rugby match. It wasn't a classic but, as Wales are my second favourite Northern Hemisphere team it was good to see them win.

I also managed to slip in a quick call with my mum who is freshly returned from volunteering at Care4Calais. At first I was a bit worried about her. Her voice sounded slurred but once she told me that I'd just woken her up from a nap I relaxed. She sounded tired. I think she's had a rewarding and productive time of it but, as expected, hard work.

MLW left on Saturday morning to visit her aged mother. The Captain and got a lift to Rugbytots with Grandad and Harvey the dog. Harvey loves the Captain. The Captain loves Harvey. Rugbytots went well. Just the one sin-binning for the Captain after he became involved in an over vigorous tagging. The usual tag rugby game was played 8 on 8 and across the width of the long axis of the sports hall. The coach had an emphasis on running straight and passing in to space which the Captain picked up on. Several times I saw him eye up the state of play and then shift himself across in to space. Space was theme of the weekend.

I fancied making a lamb tagine for dinner on Sunday for MLW and I. Grandad dropped us off by the butcher but we'd just missed him. However Co-op had everything we needed, expect dried apricots. The Captain was on good form, pulling along the basket and picking up some hotdogs for his own lunch. He and I had a good conversation about saffron. My claim that is was the most expensive foodstuff in the world was greeted with sceptisim and demand to know how much all the other things we had bought cost. Price per gram is a concept that will have to wait for another day I think.

Grandad took himself off to return Harvey to my brother and then pick up my step-mum to begin their journey to Australia to see my family out there.


We got home just in time for the Scotland vs Italy game. I'd pre-warned the Captain that I would be watching this on the big television and charged up his iPad. He watched the first twenty minutes. We talked about passing in to space. Then he tucked himself up with Beettleborg.

A good game. Some excellent individual efforts from Laidlaw, Seymour, WP Nel and Hogg. Good team effort and some good game management to ensure the win and to score the final try to make the win emphatic. We've been here before, with a Scotland team that promises much, doesn't quite deliver, had a good game and then continues to not deliver but this felt a bit more focused than usual and based on a whole team performance rather than just a few flashes of invidual good play.

The Captain continued to watch Beetleborgs whilst I watched the England vs Ireland game. My two least favourite teams. Unfortunately the hoped for low scoring draw didn't materialise and the wrong team won and the mathematical possibility of Scotland winning the Six Nations disappeared. Hey ho.

Sunday was a cracking day. The Captain had a lie in until 7.30 (compared to his usual 5.30) and then I got to got to go back to bed until 9.00. He was to have a play date with his best nursery friend in the morning but his friend was poorly so it was postponed until the afternoon. The Captain and I walked down to the shops to buy a toy and some apricots (which, according to the Captain, is mostly what Waitrose is all about, he's been there before and I should prepare myself for disapppointment, in case they didn't have any as mostly that's what people buy there.) We stopped to look at the crocuses and discuss bees and saffron. He spent his pocket money on some goodies. I got some dried apricots (and a lecture about how I shouldn't buy a large packet if I was planning on making my tummy smaller.)

It was a lovely day for a walk. Bright, cold, clear and dry. We walked down the hil and took the bus home.

I dropped the Captain off at his friend's and then returned to make tagine. It was very nice but I'd added one half a teaspoon of harissa paste too much and it was a little spicey. Delcious but perhaps a little hot.

MLW returned mid-afternoon. The Captain likewise. He and I made a large train track in the Train Track Room and then had a bath together.

I slipped in the now traditional few episodes of How I Met Your Mother. I'm now up to Season 5 Episode 10 - so more than halfway through.

Not an epic weekend but a very nice one.

I have a weekend of adventure.

To London!

The Captain and I went to London on the sleeping train on Thursday night to meet up with MLW on Friday morning and Bluebird on Friday afternoon.

The Captain was delighted and excited by the sleeping train. We got on at 11pm and it leaves at 11.40. He loved his bunker bed and his wee bag of toiletries. When he woke up in the morning and discovered we had a sink and window he was beside himself with delight. It was awesome.

We arrived at about 6.30, had a bacon sandwich and made our way to the house we were staying in to drop off our bags then out to the Natural History Museum. There by bus - a proper London red bus, back by tube - less exciting - it's just a train under the ground, it doesn't even have bunker beds. I'd over estimated how long it would take to travel there and back so we arrived at the museum at 9am for a 10am opening. Second breakfast in a nice cafe nearby and then back to join the queue to get in. (The queue to get in is mainly driven by bag inspection).

The Captain and I scampered round the museum for a few hours looking at dinosaurs and bugs and Jurasic marine repiles before MLW joined us to go and look at earthquakes and volcanos and a rather cool escalator followed by lunch. I was able to see some of the orginal pliosaurs and plesiosaurs from Lyme Regis as well as a moasaur which I'd not seen before. When I visited Lyme Regis we took a guided fossil walk along the cliffs and the guide, once finished, hurried off to continue digging out a sea-dragon that he'd found emerging from the cliff face.

After lunch we tried the Captain on the Victoria and Albert musuem which he enjoyed. He was very taken with the idea of statues. I think he'd about had enough when we discovered a fountain he could fall in to in the courtyard. MLW sat in the sun and ate frozen yoghurt whilst the Captain capered in the water. On the way out he and I had a good chat about a statue of Diana the Huntress.

Once we'd dried him off it was time to go and meet Bluebird in Kings Cross and go for Brazillian bbq buffet then home.

"Home" worked very well although we had to swop the Captain and Bluebird's beds around because the Captain liked elephants. The Captain was particularly excited to be able to show MLW and BB around the house.

On Saturday the four of us went to the Tower of London. Again an early start to beat the crowds (it's the only way to trackle London). I liked the Tower. Lots of interesting history and cool stuff. We saw some kids singing show tunes, halberds, some nice scuptures of animals evocking the former menagerie which was closed due the extreme danger of having dangerous animals in a non-purpose built place. The last victim was the head keeper, nearly bitten to death by a snake, at which point the Duke of Wellington called time on the whole thing. I liked the display of armour and the political role the place has played as a large armory in the centre of Britain's largest population centre. MLW liked the animal scuptures and the Captain really liked the Princes in the Tower, because they were children. He went round their bit twice and wanted to know if the bones they found were really them. Which lead to the question, if we are able to identify Richard III using DNA evidence are we able to identify the recovered bodies which are now in Westminister Abbey.

Back home for crispy duck from Waitrose.

On Sunday I left early to drop off our luggage at Kings Cross left luggage then met up with everyone at the London Eye. This was the Captain's particular thing that he wanted to do in London and he had a fab time. The Eye is nice. I've been on it twice now. It overlooks my old office in Old Scotland Yard which is nice. I think it cost us £70 for the four of us to go round the wheel. It's not something I'd do more than once every ten years. The Captain enjoyed it.

After the Eye we wondered along the Southbank, there are some play parks, we found a very large sandpit and some public art (in which the Captain injured himself in a head on collission with another lad) . We had lunch at one of the street food markets. I had a very nice Carabbean chicken curry and a pint of Meantime London Lager. MLW some sort of risotto ball with ham and cheese. After lunch the Captain discovered some Hobbit holes and then, perhaps the pick of the day, a rooftop garden on top of the Southbank Centre. We pottered a bit then pottered off to our stations to catch our trains home.

Sunday was Fathers' Day and BB gifted me an interesting book and a lovely pair of cufflinks (which I think shall live at the office for a few months as my main work cufflinks).

The train journey to Edinburgh was lovely. The Captain watched something on his iPad, I snoozed and MLW read her book until it was time for picnic team and a few board games then home.

All very lovely.

The Captain has started watching Doctor Who. This may be because if he watches Doctor Who he can stay up a bit later on Saturday night but he seems to be enjoying the show and enjoying watching it with me. So I’ve decided to record his reaction to the show and my reactions to his reactions as part of my LJ.

The first entry in this series will be a recap on the first four episodes of season eight and the status quo anti.

The Captain has watched occassional episodes of Doctory Who in the past mainly because it’s been on and I’ve been watching it. He particularly liked the episode with the dinosaurs on the spaceship.

Episode One – Deep Breath

He spent most of this episode curled up behind me on our winged chair. Not much engagement with what was going on as I recall. We were all a bit tired from The Great Navigation.

Episode Two – Into the Dalek

The Captain and Doctor Who really came alive over this episode. He was very busy explaining to his mum all the things about the Garlicks that I’d just told him, but filtered through a four year old brain. This episode provoked a fairly deep conversation with him about the nature of good and evil and whether people were naturally one or the other. Not a bad way to start watching a programme.

Episode Three – Robot of Sherwood.

The Captain likes Robin Hood so he was delighted with this episode. For a few days after he had taken to slapping his thighs. This is the only episode he’s watched again. This was a sitting on the sofa jumping around episode.

Episode Four – Listen

MLW and I weren’t going to let the Captain watch this on the grounds that a story about scary things hiding under you bed and grabbing you is not conducive to a good night’s sleep if you are four or the parent of a four year old.

By accident we put it on. The Captain thought this episode was hilarous. I mean he laughed so much that I couldn’t follow what was going on over the noise of his laughter. The bit where the Doctor drank the man’s coffee is apparantly comedy gold.

He spent most of the episode sitting behind me on the winged chair where he likes to go when he’s a bit scared. So he must have picked up some of the creepiness. Still didn’t stop him finding it hilarious. I should send an audio of him watching this episode to Moffat marked #MoffatScaryFail.


Episode Five – Time Heist

I was away this weekend so I didn’t get to watch this with him. Instead I leave you with a selection of text messages from MLW that she sent me whilst they were watching.

“You shouldn’t answer the phone as bad things happen.

“What was that thing? What was it doing to that man?” (Teller eats the man’s brains I think).

The Captain is now hiding from the “sniffer dog alien!”

“Why were they in red jackets?” (The Teller again I think)

“Why were they white?”

“Why did she say shut up? That’s a naughty word.”

Watching Doctor Who with the Captain has certainly improved my enjoyment of it.

The Captain has provided two moments of surreal merriment in as many days.

In recent weeks he has become very interested in water. He has always enjoyed baths and helping with the washing up. We’ve started taking him swimming and he now has access to the water play table at nursery. He’s all about water at the moment.

He’s not so keen on showers. He’ll come into the shower with either MLW or me occassionally and he tolerates them when we go swimming but he’s not a huge fan. Pretty much any other water source is of highest excellence.

The fortnight or so we’ve often found him sitting on the spare bed in his room looking up at the ceiling muttering to himself about water. MLW and I were a bit puzzled about his. Water from above happens in the shower or outside but not in his bedroom. I spent twenty minutes or so one bedtime asking him about it. He was adament. Water from the ceiling. No, he wouldn’t like a shower. He was too busy looking for water from the ceiling. Did he want to go outside? No, it was bedtime and time to look for water from the ceiling. He seemed more sad than anything that I didn’t understand. For a few moments I even began to wonder if he’d developed precognition and we were about to be flooded by our upstairs neighbours. (I blame watching Watership Down on the tele earlier.)

I was so puzzled by his behavour that I asked nursery if they had read any stories about a flood. No, they hadn’t. And then we looked up, at the large velux windows in the nursery ceiling where the rain would fall and turn into streaming water. On the ceiling.

If water happens on the ceiling of one nice, safe, happy place, why wouldn’t it happen on the ceiling of other nice, safe, happy, places.

His other moment of genius is about discipline.

The Captain is not allowed to climb onto the table. It is one of the rules.

Once saying No and explaining the rules and the reasons for them has failed our prefered method of discipline is to put the Captain on his back and repeat the rule and then let him get himself up from the floor. It worked very well with his older sister.

Over the weekend he was placed on his back for climbing on the table. Yesterday I got home from work and MLW told me that he had been climbing on the table again. He’d keep doing it despite being picked up and put back on the chair. He then climbed back onto the table, pointed at the floor and then asked to be put on his back on the floor. When he was he made the required sad and contrite face and then bounced off to do Captain business elsewhere.


The world inside the head of a small child must be as strange and wonderful as small children find the world.