My mother lives in Cornwall. She used to live in Aberdeen (where my sister and daughter were born). After that she lived in Australia.
In recent months whenever she phones she asks about the up-coming independence referendum. These are my favourite 25 Questions my mum keeps asking me about Indepedence and the answers I don’t give her but think quietly to myself.
Q: Will I (my mum) need a passport to visit you (me) in Edinburgh?
A: No, you won’t need a passport because as you’re English you’ll never ever be allowed to visit Scotland every again unless you can produce your Mebyon Kernow membership card.
Q: Will Bluebird (my daughter) be allowed to become Scottish?
A: She was born in Aberdeen. She’ll be lucky if she’s not deported from Wiltshire as an undesirable alien by that loon you lot elected in 2010.
Q: Will Scotland even be allowed to be in the EU?
A: Given a choice between Scotland and England who do you think the EU would rather have? England will be lucky Jaques De Lors ever sneers at you again.
Q: Will we (England) be allowed to keep our nuclear submarines at Faslane?
A: Your submarines? *Your* submarines? When my brother left his motorbike in your garage *you* sold it. What makes you think we’re not going to put “your” submarines on Ebay as soon as the polls close?
Q: Do you like Alex Salmond?
A: Not only do I like him mother, but, like any true patriot I’m considering letting him impregnate my female relatives.
Q: You were born in Birmingham, will you be alllowed to stay?
A: I lied on my visa application and said I was Australian and you were a refuge from Vietnam. Please try and sound more Asian the next time you visit, you’re blowing my cover.
Q: Will you get to keep the panda?
A: Why do you ask? Are you still upset that your next door neighbour has blocked out your light with bamboo?
Q: With all those Scottish Labour MP’s gone how will Labour ever win another General Election?
A: Easily, I think the SNP will probably disband after they win the referendum as their internal ideological differences will no longer be overwhealmed by their preference for Independence leaving Labour as the party best reflecting Scotland’s preference for a social democracy.
Q: I meant in England, how will Labour win here?
A: I don’t care. That’s rather the point.
Q: Will you keep the Queen?
A: No, unlike the submarines you can have the Queen back. Unless she wants to stay. I would never send anyone to England who didn’t want to go.
Q: Will you keep the pound or adopt the Euro?
A: Neither, we are going to revert to pre-decimilisation pounds, shillings and pence in a bold move to confound the Daily Mail and make ourselves the retirement location of choice for the over nineties.
Q: Will you still speak English?
A: No, Bunnahabhan, ceilidh tchucther, ceilidh laphroig skien dhu, my hearties.
Q: What about Your Lovely Wife, will she have to move back to England?
A: I’m pretty sure that sure that an EU passport holding, Lithuanian, Oxford educated mother who runs her own business and has owned a flat in Edinburgh for ten years with a post-grad and all her own teeth is going to allowed to stay. She’s lived in Scotland longer than I have. If you are worried I’ll ensure that she is the mother of Scotland’s Rugby World Cup 2035 winning scrum-half. Also, whilst we are on the subject of mothers and deportation could you *please* try and look a little more Asian please?
Q: Will Scotland be merging with Ireland?
A: Good grief no! Have you seen what those idiots have done to their economy.
Q: Are you sure you like Alex Salmond? I don’t like him, I think he’s racist.
A: You’re right, he’s a filthy racist. I personally saw him slapping a Spaniard but I’m too cowed by the secret police to say anything. The things he said, mother, to that small Spanish boy. The. Things. He. Said.
Q: Will Scotland be able to afford free care for the elderly after Indepedence?
A: Of course, we’ll be sending all our old people to live in your village in Cornwall as a condition of helping Mebyon Kernow’s guerilla campagain.
Q: Of course, I’m not really English. I’m Cornish. I’ll be able to move to Scotland if I want, won’t I
A: Oh for sure. In fact we may have a vacancy for Queen if Liz wants to stay in London and Annie Lennox is busy and if you don’t mind living in rural Aberdeenshire and having tea with Alex Salmond every Monday.
Q: I mean, if I really want to?
A: Absolutely mum. What Scotland needs is *more* mad old ladies. We don’t have enough puritan, silver haired “wise” women disapproving of us getting drunk and swearing and elbowing their way to the front of the queue in the post office.
Q: You would let me emigrate wouldn’t you?
A: What are you talking about. You hate it here. I spend half of every visit you make trying to persuade you to move here so I can look after you and you spend half your time telling me how effing cold it is and how racist Alex Salmond is.
Q: But if the Tories kept winning elections I could come, as a refugee?
A: Of course, the People’s Democratic Socialist Republic of South Orkney welcomes all political exiles from our former colonies. Tommy Sheridan himself will carry you across the bridge at Coldstream as an act of Solidarity. On the subject of refugees, for the love of god if you don’t keep pretending to be a Vietnamese boat person I’m going to be chained to the Forth Bridge at low tide as an imposter then exiled to Rockall.
Q: Could you afford to bail out RSPB?
A: The bird people? WTF?
Q: I mean could you afford to bail out RBS on your own?
A: Could England? Didn’t stop you?
Q: I keep *my* money in the Co-op. Do you have the Co-Op in Scotland?
A: Strangly, the land of New Lanark has heard of the co-operative movement.
Q: What will you do when the Oil runs out?
A: You tell me. You’re going to find out what it’s like to live in a country that used to have oil but now doesn’t much sooner than I am.
Q: I mean, when the oil runs out will you (me) have enough money to live on?
A: Oh yes. I’ll be fine. I’ll have murdered you for you my inheritance long before then and MLW and I will be able to move to Barcelona.
Q: I’m not racist, but I really don’t like Alex Salmond.
A: You are racist and Alex Salmond is a state of mind, not a nation state.