back of a spreadsheet; back of the net

I fear I am not going to be fully delighted with Strictly this year. At the nub of the issue is that many of the celebrities that I have a strong antipathy towards are paired with professionals that I like, admire and support. By random operation  of pairing this seems to have happened quite a lot this year. I don't think there are any pairings where I my levels of support for both partners is a 7 or stronger.

 
Of the professional dancers I support Kevin, Oti, and Katya.

I have reservations about Nadiya and the likes of Pasha, Alijaz, Jannette and Gorka do not much for me.

Of the celebs I favour Danny John-Jules and Kate. I am afraid I have some sort of allergic reaction to Stacey. There is something about her voice that just sets me on edge although I do admire her professional bravery and integrity. The fault is mine, it is grevious but I am know myself too well to offer any hope that I can be redeemed. Faye is on the wrong side of the  Mark Lamaar / Faye Tozer "thing". Greame Swann, although seemingly jolly and proficient is an England cricket player and my standing order are to "sink, burn or destroy" the England cricket team on sight. The rest, so far, I am neutral on.

So no Ed and Katya, or Joe and Katya, or Kevin and Susan, or Chris and Ola to get behind strongly.

I shall be paying more attention to Amy now that she is paired with DJJ and I can hope that Seann Walsh will prove likeable and improvable.

I may well have a season where I mostly enjoy Kate Silverton and Oti Mabuse from the comfort of my sofa and am not that fussed or terribly engaged. (This I suspect may be a theme of the autumn, what with Doctor Who about to start again.)

The fact that I am currently sitting in a fog of my own misanthropy is not going to stop me bringing you my thoughts on Strictly 2018. Oh no it's not. In fact it's going to make them super spicy. Stand by for a whole host of inapproprate, illogical, self-contradictory remarks which I will attempt to pass off as considered policy with a few sixth-form rhetorical flourishs.

Week One! Actually a reasonably high standard of dancing. A reasonably moderate standard of judging. A reasonably high standard of Tess and Claudia. A reasonably high standard of production.

The judging. I have some long standing problems with the judging. Firstly, Bruno standing. Sit the fuck down! Sit the fuck down before I slap you square in the middle of the forehead, with a fish slice. Secondly, Bruno, shut the fuck up! Jeez, if only Strictly could afford Samuel L Jackson. "Go on, stand up one more time, I dare you!" Thirdly, I think the scores from Darcey, Shirley and Bruno cluster and this forces Craig to mark more harshly in the early weeks. I'd like to see the judges use the full range of the paddles, especially Darcey and Shirley - who tend to make more constructively critical comments than their scoring suggests. I ignore anything Bruno says. I put him on mute and imagine the conversation between Darcey and Shirley as, once again, Shirley finds herself on Darcey's lap, staring up in to her eyes as she dodges Bruno's windmilling arms. Sit down Toniolli you little fucker and give Claudia back her Haribo. You've had enough.

And so 2018 continues much as 2017 left off. Useful comments from Darcey and Shirley. Noise and fury, signifying nothing from Bruno and Craig forced in to scoring for the other three. At leat Craig has broken out of his panto villan blanket negativity. Perhaps the producers have changed tack. Perhaps he feels he can. Perhaps his back has healed and he is no longer in pain.

Good dancing for week one. Slightly higher average score than last year. Top score this year 29, top score last year was 31 for Aston, with Debbie on 30. Lowest score this year, 12 (well deserved), last year 16. So a bit more clustering towards the top end.

I was pleasantly surprised by Ashley. I thought her previous dance experience would not sit comfortably with the requirements of ballroom. She remarked that it had been a challenge but she seemed to find a way round the problem (and if in doubt she's promised to go one better than Denise Van Outen and pop a boob out - so that's something to look forward to). DJJ was, as I expected, pretty on it. Faye did better than I expected both from my priors and from watching her dance. There's a big gap down to Susanah Constantine, who I don't think has the personality to win enough of the popular vote. I don't mean to suggest that she's an unlikeable individual but I don't think she has the oompf or the humour of John Sergeant or Susan Calman. If she's not first out I shall eat the item of clothing of choice of Frankie.

I thought Katya did well with Seann Walsh. She's demonstrating her skill as a coach and choreographer in a way that Graziano wasn't able to. He got spotted protecting his partner, Katya made protecting her partner a virtue. Vick struggled with her cardio-vascular fitness. She was pretty good for the first 30 seconds of her routine and then struggled. She's not the only one who was a little blown but she had the most noticable dip in performance.

I'll have a think about likely placings but I think I've correctly predicted the dark horse in DJJ and it's difficult to see anyone else but Susanah going out at the first opportunity. (NB Anton has his own fan base who might get busy on his behalf.) I hope Katie Piper does well. I think she'll be in the Molly space, not quite breaking through but I hope she does.

Tess seems more relaxed this year and appears to have learned to live with her role as the Janus of Strictly (Hooray the judges, boo the judges, you're my favourite.) Claudia was on good form.

I liked the lights on this week's show. I wonder how the mechanics of the lighting design work.

So, I won't be put out to be a bit more of a spectator than a partisan and I hope Dwanye Dibbly wins it for the Scify community.

It's been a bit quiet at the Tartan Shortbread Institute of Scotology. After our searing analysis "25 Untrue Facts About Nigel Farage" and "25 Made Up Guesses About Our New Robotic Overlords" we've attracted a bit of attention from the security services which culminated in an incident after our pamphlet "25 True Secret Yet True Facts About the Secret US Invasion of North Secret Korea" proved unexpectedly accurate. So we've been keeping our heads down. I can't say much about what we've been up to but let me tell you that the Hamhung People's Number Three Re-Education and Freedom Through Work Camp is lovely at this time of year.

Anyway, we're back and we're kicking off our 2018 season with some predictions about the celebrities appearing on Strictly Come Dancing in 2018 and other key information in our devastating blog post - 25 True Facts About Strictly Come Dancing 2018.

Sir Alan now Lord Sugar and Greg Wallace will be hired as pitch side analysts. In business sometimes you have to take risks and they don't come much bigger than this.
The Dave Arch House Band will be refreshed and become a super-group made up of , Dave Dee, David Bowie, Dave McAfee, Dave Lee Travis, David Dimbleby, General Robert E Lee, Dave Stewart, David Beckham, Davood Ghamadi, Kanye West, the remaining Smiths, Alice Nutter from Chumbawhumba (1), Netta Bazilia, and Andrea from the Corrs (2).
A sex scandal will engulf Tess Daly, centering on her relationship with Pudsey (3) the Bear. The Daily Mail will run a headline "Daily Daly and the Bare Bear" and brand her an "enemy of the people." She will sue Perkins.
Kevin Clifton will be paired as the professional partner for famed ballroom dancer, Karen Clifton. He will finish second. Is that you want, because that's what will happen.
People's Hero Paul Dacre will be partnered with new-comer (4) Luba Mushtuk. The Daily Mail will run a campaign attempting to have her deported.
In a Strictly first, forming a same-sex couple, former Brexit Secretary David, now David, Davis will be partnered with Sir Alex now Lord Salmond. They will be the first couple to be eliminated. David Davis will be knighted neutered for his service to which ever mythical country he thinks he lives in.
A surprise late entry will be which ever poor sod from the England football team misses the penalty in the World Cup semi-finals in Russia which sees England eliminated by Germany in a penalty shoot-out. After being branded an "enemy of the people" by 4-4-2 and the Sky Sports podcast he will be hoping to rehabilitate himself in the eyes of the English public. Despite his infamy he will be kept in the competiton by the votes of grateful nation, in this case Scotland. Partnered with Oti Mabuse they will be knocked out in the semi-finals.
The finalists will be Dr Lucy Worsley, Norman "Fatboy Slim" Cook, Sir Billy, now Lord Connoly and Pudsey the Bear
This year's surprise celebrity to go deep in to the competition will be Marvin the Paranoid Android. Partnered with Katya Jones they will be knocked out in the semi-final when pitch side analysis Sir Alan, now Lord Sugar loses his temper and goes for a shock double elimination.
This year's husband and wife celebrity entrant are Offred and the Commander. Offred, partnered with Nadiya Bychkova, will be heavily critisised in the Daily Mail for her wanton attempts to sexualise a family programme. No irony should be inferred by the fact that this story will be run next to a full page photograph of Emma Watson in a bikini and Dakota Blue Richards photoshopped in to a "school girl" outfit and opposite a picture of a bead of sweat running down the inside of Tess Daly's cleavage used to illustrate how EU regulations on stage lighting are destroying British culture.
Noodle from the Gorillaz will break the record for most consequtive appearances in the Dreaded Dance Off. After 8 straight weeks in the dance off she will finish top of the leader board only to sprain her ankle in training the next week and have to pull out for contraceptive reasons.
Vegan (5) campaigner, The Rock, (6) and professional partner Jannette Manrara will bring a touch of class to Musical Week by dancing the Jive to Feed Me from Little Shop of Horrors. Offred and Nadiya Byschkova will dance perhaps the most erotic version of The Old Bamboo from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The new editor of the Daily Mail will threaten to "put those saucy minxes over my knee for a jolly good Brexit Britain spanking." There's nothing creepy about that in a family newspaper. Spankers Weekly will run a back page spread and brand the new editor of the Daily Mail an "enemy of the posterior."
Eventual winner Dr Lucy Worsley will be embroiled in a sex scandal with the Director of the Tartan Shortbread Institute of Scotology, at least that will be the impression given by detailed notes contained in his Dream Diary which will be found by a widowed orphan on the last Eurostar train to leave St Pancras on 29th March 2019.
The Final will over run so badly that it will clash with the Doctor Who Christmas Special (working title "Destiny of the Dalaks of Destiny and the Cyberwomen of Doom." The Plot (for that's what we have to call it now under GDPR, of Destiny of the Dalaks of Destiny will feature a trip to Civil War America where the forces of good, led by General, now Lord, Robert E Lee fights former Prime Minister and Saviour of the Universe, Gordon Brown. Female Doctor Who, the Doctor, now TimeLord Whitaker, will nut Paul Dacre after the Daily Mail publishes pictures of a scantilly clad Rassalon played by former male James Bond Timothy Dalton under the headline " MI All Gown Up Now?" (The editors would like to make it clear that Timothy Dalton is a former, male James Bond and not a former male, Jame Bond, although of course, there is nothing wrong with being a former male James Bond in either case as the male editor of the Daily (former) Mail would agree.
The other celebrity couple to enter will be Lalla (7) Ward and Richard Dawkins. Richard Dawkins will be surprisingly good at the foxtrot.
In preparation for the Brexit Britain no public funding will be allowed to be spent by the BBC on making or showing BBC programmes. Half of the costs of running Strictly Come Dancing will be met by a sponsorship package from Aristoc hosiery. The other half will come from EU funding packages for third world countries. Electricity for the cameras will be provied by zero hours contract Deliveraroo riders hooked up to dynamos (8) and flogged by the female editrix of Spankers' Weekly and lighting will be provided by candles brought from home by the audience and made from recycled whale tallow. Sir Bob, now Lord Give Us Your Fucking Money Geldoff will organise a charity fund-raising concert in the ruins of the Blackpool Tower Ballroom. No one will go.
Claudia Winkleman will behave in an increasingly odd way. No one will think this worthy of comment until she breaks down and confesses live on air to having assassinated Sir Bruce, now Dead Forsyth. Saga Noren, Malmo CID, from the Bridge will be brought in to investigate. The dramatisation of her investigations and further adventures, the Forsyth Saga will become a 21st century classic.
This year's Blackpool show will be moved to Jerusalem after the Blackpool Tower Ballroom is rendered unsafe by fracking.
Brendan Cole will be introduced as a fifth judge replacing Donny (9) Osmond. Before being made permanent he will be sacked for his involvement in an off-air scuffle with Craig Revel-Horward over which one of them is going to nail Bruno to his chair first. Cole will be replaced by David Hasselhoff. Gordon Brown will emerge, like the King Over the Water to pour Scotland's Oil on Strictly's Troubled Waters. Saga Noren will investiate the alleged assault in a surprise fifth series of the Bridge. There's a joke in there somewhere but I don't think any of us care any more, I mean, what's the point, brain the size of a planet and, here I am, a male robot, making tea for Claudia Winkleman.
The SNP will fund Scotland's Future Growth by betting heavily that Vince Cable will win Strictly 2018 and then selling their position for 97 billion New Scottish Groats (£90bn, €1.75) to Jodi Whitaker.
Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman will be seen together at the Jerusalem show sparking rumours of a homosexual, gay, same-sex love affair or, fans fear, a return of Sherlock.
The first show of the season will be interupted as we go live to Downing Street where Prime Mininster Theresa, now Lord May, announces a General Election. The results of GE18 will be announced by David Dimbleby in between announcing the names of the two celebrities who must dance again in the quarter-finals. Jean Claude Junker will be sworn in as the new Prime Minister of a United Kingdom in December 2018. Dr Lucy Worsley will win the dance off.
Tess Daly will donate her libel damages from the Daily Mail to Children in Need.
Channel Four will announce that they have secured rights to the Great British Dance Off for 2019. Zoe Ball (10) will move to Channel Four with along with fan favourite Bruno Toniolli whilst Tess remains loyal to the BBC for a million pound pay cheque.
The Director of the Tartan Institute for Scotology will be drinking his winnings on the office Strictly Sweepstake through the medium of blackmarket port from Portugal and a Terry's (11) chocolate orange liquer. Is that what you want, because that's what's going to happen.

The Tartan Institute of Scotology will be teaming up with the Andy Murray Foundation for We're a Tennis Nation Now to bring you all our World Cup and Wimbledon predictions for the summer.

(1) Plural Chumbawhumbi.

(2) Plural Corries

(3) plural Pudsones

(4) plural new-commie

(5) plural vagina

(6) plural Rockettes

(7) plural La La La I Can't Hear You

(8) plual Dynamites

(9) plural Donnii

(10) plural Shirley Ballas

(11) plural Terrys'

It's September.

The Ashes are over. Corbyn has been elected by the Labour Party to lead them in to opposition. Doctor Who is about to start infuriating me again. So, it's time for Strictly Come Dancing.

And here, in response to the literally requests, is my opening assesment of the runners and riders in Strictly Come Dancing 2015.

In this post I'll be giving a paragraph or two on each couple, consulting Wikipedia for biographical information and considering how what I've seen of them in the Partner Matching Programme and what I know of their professional partner and considering how I think they'll do in general.  I don't have ready access to Twitter at the moment so an analysis of their Twitter reach and a final predicition will have to wait until later in the week.

In the order in which they are mentioned in the Strictly Come Dancing blog.

Ainsley Harriot and Natalie Lowe. Celebrity celebrity chef Harriot is paired up with the Lovely Natalie Lowe.  Natalie is one of my favourite pro-dancers and is good at training up celebrities and getting the best out of them.  Ainsley has some natural affinity for dancing judging by the way he bops around the kitchen. He's a likeable and enthusiastic guy.  This bodes well. If Lowe can get him some decent technical proficiency early on and steer him through the early rounds I think he's in with a good chance of doing well.

Jay McGuiness and Aliona Vilana.  Jay is a member of boy band The Wanted. Aliona is a past winner with Harry Judd, a former member of boy band McFly. In recent years Aliona hasn't prospered on Strictly, going out in the first two rounds with Tony Jackin and Greg "the Pudding" Wallace.  Boy band members tend to do well. They are used to moving to music and usually have a decent native support.  I didn't catch Jay's dancing ability during the group dances.  Boy band membership says he'll get through the first few rounds easily.

Jeremy Vine and Karen Clifton. I like Karen Clifton as a pro-dancer. She did well to steer Scott Mills as far as she did last year. However, her track record is limited. Vine appears to be able to move in time to the music. He's an engaging character but I'm not sure there is a huge cross over between his natural constituency and those who vote in Strictly Come Dancing votes. I can see him doing well in ballroom. For me a bit of an unknown quantity.

EDITED TO ADD: Clearly an unknown quantity as I've mistaken Karen and Joanne Clifton.  Karen Clifton has a bit more of a track record than her sister-in-law Joanne with some decent places in previous years.  She's quite a determined and driven pro. I'm not sure the change in personnel changes my assesment.

Iwan Thomas, and Ola Jordan.  Ola Jordan is a past winner, and a past winner with an outsider. She's good at making her celebrity dance partners train and her choreography is of a high standard and gets the best out of her partners.  Her Charlston with  Chris Hollins was game changing. Iwan, in turn is an Olympic athelete. They are fit and they know how to train. He's also got a bit of a deeper constitutency through appearing in light hearted panel shows.  The question is, is he a Louis Smith or a Victoria Pendleton. Will he love the dance and will the dance love him.  If he can move then he's a good candidate for finalist.

Jamelia and Tristan MacManus.  Jamelia is a musician which a somewhat checkered media profile. Tristan MacManus was partnered with Jennifer Gibney (not Grey) last year.  Jamelia should be able to dance but I'm not sure how popular she is. Tristan is an unknown quanity.  I don't know.

Kirsty Gallacher and Brendon Cole.  Housewives' Favourite Cole is teamed up with For the Dad's Gallacher in a combination sure to re-kindle many flagging middle-aged marriages.  Cole, a past winner, has a decent track record in the show but in recent years he's failed to convert good field position in to wins. His tendency to stridently support his partner is both a strength and a weakness. Gallacher has long career in sports journalism on Sky. She's an undoubted beauty.  How popular this makes her in with Strictly voters I'm not sure. A wild card here is her public support for the Union in IndyRef.  She may well find that the state of Scottish politics is such that an anyone but Kirsty campaign takes off. Or not.  As usual, the key factor here is whether she can dance. If she can move well and has chemistry with Cole she should do well. If not, I'm not sure he native constituency will carry her very far.

Kellie Bright and Kevin Clifton. I think Clifton, Kevin (one of three Cliftons on the show) is a superb dancer and coach.  Bright, of popular Continuing Drama Eastenders,  is an alumni of the Sylvia Young school. This has finalist written all over it.

George May Foote and Gionvanni Pernice. May Foote irritates the living heck out of me. It's a Skinstead thing. An irrational dislike (unlike my dislike of Steven Moffat, which is perfectly rational). Pernice has no Wikipedia entry.  I'm sure they will do well but I don't care to think about them.

Helen George and Alijaz Skorjanec - always a hard one to judge, where you have a popular actor who is popular for being in a popular programme you, yourself, didn't much care for.  Helen George has name recognition. Alijaz is a previous winner. Probably strong contenders to do well.

Daniel O'Donnell as the old school joke goes is not a famous Irish revolutionary. Famous enough to be a cultural icon he certainly has a powerful name recognition factor. He works in the music industry which I feel ought to help with some moveing to music. However, he's in his 50's, so I'm not sure how well his body will stand up to the training schedule.  He's paired with the Kristina of  Troy. Kristina has a mixed record in Strictly. Her best place is runner up in 2014 with Simon "from Blue" Webbe. Can he dance?  Does your mum like him? Will she vote for him?  Daniel O'Donnell is the Jeremy Corbyn of this year's Strictly.  A psephological nightmare.

Peter Andre. Peter Andre. Peter Bloody Andre.  Known for Mysterious Girl in more ways then one.  My own view of Andre is that he's a decent bloke trying to do his best and that this comes through when he talks.  Which should make him a sympathetic figure.  He's very well known. Janet Manrara, his partner is less well known. She worked well with Jake Wood last series, going out late in the series.  Given Andre's personably personality, his name recognition, his musical career and Manrara's coaching ability Andre would be my pick for finalist and probably winner.

Anthony Ogogo is an Olympian and a boxer.  Olympians ususually do well. Boxers do not. Personally, I'd never heard of him, but then Olympian Boxers are not my bag baby.  He's partnered with new professional Oti Mabuse. She is so unknown that she doesn't even have her own wikipedia page.  I'm not hopeful. I expect Olympian grit will take them about half way and then boxer stiffness and Mabuse newness will trip them up.

Katie Derham.  Is partnered with Anton du Beke. So she's not going to win.

My personal favourite, BBC weather present Carol Kirkwood is partnered with current champion Pasah Kovalev. At 53 Kirkwood might suffer from not being as physically fit as some of the younger, sportier contestants.  She's affable and has the full might of the BBC Breakfast mafia on her side. She's good mates with former winner and BBC Breakfaster Chris Hollins. Not sure that's enough to take her further than half way.

Anita Rani and Gleb Savchenko I know nothing about, not being a watcher of what my brother in law refers to as CitydwellerFile I can't speak to either it's appeal or hers. She's paired with new boy Gleb Savchenko. When I search for him in wikipedia wikipedia coyly suggests that I might like to create a page for Glen Shevchinko.  This does not bode well.  Dancing will be the key here. If she's rubbish, out early. If she's good, she'll survive the early rounds clear out.

And that concludes this year's Strictly opening review.

I'll try to keep up to date with weekly reviews and some psephological analysis as work and health allows.