25 True Facts About Scottish Independence
May. 25th, 2012 11:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danieldwilliamWith the launch of “Yes Scotland” pro-Independence campaign in Edinburgh later today two things have been on my mind. What will the anti-Independence campaign call themselves and what will life actually be like in the independent Scotland of the future? I’ve consulted with a few knowledgable types and together our think-tank; The Shortbread Institute for the Study of Scotology has gazed into the future and can offer these predictions about life in Scotland in the early 21st Century.
- Shortly after the adoption of the Constitution of 2016 the population will be divided into “True Patriots” and “Traitors to Scotia *spit*” These designations will be hereditary but the offspring of mixed marriages will be allowed to opt into whichever class they chose upon reaching the age of 18 (or possibly 16) or drinking their first bottle of Buckfast, whichever is earliest. In keeping with our proud aspirations for a Scandinavian-style Social Democracy True Patriots and Traitors to Scotia *spit* will be treated exactly alike, except that True Patriots will be issued with a fish supper and pint of Irn Bru (other patriotic orange drinks are available) on any of the birthdays of any of our Heads of States. Due to the high numbers of both True Patriots and Traitors to Scotia *spit* and the consequential near universality of mixed marriages in the population it is expected that full assimilation of the Flowering Youth of Scotland will take about one generation.
- The judgment in HMA vs. McCormick will be set aside, regnal numbers will be reset to exclude solely English Monarchs and will be recorded using binary numbers (as befits the Proud Home of Silicon Glen).
- The Heads of State for Scotland will be Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth 1 (who will be succeeded by Charles 11), Franz 10, the Duke of Bavaria, John Lytton, 101 Earl of Lytton, my Mum and Sir Sean Connery. They will hold office on alternate days, except Sunday, which being a day of rest in the Western Isles, requires no Heading of the State to occur.
- Robert Burns will be burnt in effigy in Trafalgar Square. The flames will be likened to a red, red rose. Is that what you want? Because that’s what’ll happen.
- After Independence “True Patriots” will be obliged to heckle Londoners about water shortages with the cry “We’re moist, we’re moist and we love it. Come and get some, you dry mouthed Sassenachs.” (1)Those attending official state functions in EU countries will be exempt from this requirement so long as they surreptitiously spray a Londoner with a small, mocking water pistol.
- Our Eurovision entry will be Flower of Scotland sung by the Corries, or their heirs and successors in law. It will be Flower of Scotland every year until we win at which point the Proclaimers will be invited to form a supergroup comprising The Smiths, the remaining members of the Bay City Rollers and the Massed Pipes and Drums of the Royal Mile.
- We will give up Trident and foreswear any and all forms of nuclear deterrence. In no way will be associated with the horrors of weapons of mass destruction or the madness of mutually assured destruction. Pandering to the pro-nuclear lobby would be an act of hypocrisy and Treason on a par to humming along to Swing Low, Sweet Chariot inadvertently during a dull bit of play at Murrayfield.(2)
- We will rent Faslane to England for use as a base for their nuclear submarine fleet for £20bn per annum. With our budget balanced it’s free fish suppers for all True Patriots from now on.
- Every man, woman and child in Scotland will be issued with a set of off-key bagpipes. In the event of a pre-emptive nuclear strike against Scotland the entire population will begin to play their bagpipes. The resulting cacophony will make the brains of our enemies leak from their ears and leave a trail of Massed Pipe Destruction. It will be as if a million voices suddenly cried out in terror.
- The Scottish Cricket team will achieve full Test status by 2018. Captained by Ewan McGregor they will defeat the England and Wales team in an epic Endless Test at Lords to lift the first World Cup of Test Cricket. This will be our sole sporting success in the 21st Century.(3)
- We will continue to be utterly rubbish at soccer. The only thing less surprising about Scotland losing at soccer will be the outrage of True Patriots at the performance of whatever Traitors to Scotia *spit* happened to have lost the lottery and been forced to play against their will or better judgment. Being rubbish at sport will eventually come to be seen as the sign of a nation getting its priorities right and not squandering billions of pounds on white elephant vanity projects.(4)
- The weather will improve. Anyone who doubts this will be invited to open a window to check. This window will be in Palma des Minorca.
- All our dreams will come true. Yes, all of them. Including the slightly unsavory one involving Kylie Minogue, a talking parrot called Steve and two pounds of warm lard.
- A cure for pessimism will be discovered in Edinburgh. It’ll never work.
- Referenda for Independence for Orkney, Shetland, Berwick-upon-Tweed, Rockall and Milngavie will be called for early (or late) 2018.
- Donald Trump will be invited to address the United Nations on Scotland’s behalf. His command of the briefs for tourism, renewable energy and wig industries will allow the Trump to demonstrate his mastery of the Universe and his status as a True Patriot *spit*. His command of his own hair will make him the Conservative Party candidate for Mayor of London after Boris becomes PM.
- We will no longer have to celebrate religious intolerance by burning a Spanish Catholic in effigy every 5th of November. We’ll continue to do so, because, you know tradition, and bigotry. Also, it’s cold in November.
- Refuges from South of the Border fleeing the Thatcherite Zombie Apocalypse will be welcomed so long as they have had their tea. After a mere four years of hard labour pumping the bellows to make our windfarms work they will be granted Citizenship and the exalted status of True Patriot.
- The Elgin Marbles will be repatriated to Moray.
- After interim currency measures too tedious to discuss in detail Scotland will adopt the Renminbi as our currency.
- The new series of Dallas will be filmed in Aberdeen. Cowboy-hat wearing, perma-tanned extras will be imported from the Hen Night Centre of the Grassmarket. This will provide a boost Aberdeen’s historical hatpin industry.
- A Royal Commission will be convened in Perth to examine the pronunciation of the word Scone. A Royal Commission will be convened in Basildon to examine what went wrong.
- The major growth industry will be tour guides to explain to Scots-American tourists that, although they are more than welcome to visit the land of their origin, the Scots left behind after the Clearances turned out to be really, really left wing and that referring to the NHS as Nazi Death Camps is considered in bad taste by some Scots.
- The Reformed Conservative Party of Scotland (True Patriots Division) will sweep to 3rd place in the General Election of 2016. Through a careful policy of refusing to engage in coalition negotiations with any other party they will end up not holding the balance of power during the crucial negotiations over the constitution of 2016.
- Gordon Brown will reveal himself to be a decedent of the True King Over the Water, Connor MacLeod, of the Clan MacLeod, and as proud possessor of the last Golden Ticket will take ownership of the Royal Bank of Scotland thus saving the world. Again. The economic effect of this will be talked of long after the topic of Scotland’s failure to qualify for the World Cup of 2014 has faded in the memory and been replaced with talk about Scotland’s failure to qualifyfor the European Cup of 2016.
(1) Or the Gaelic equivalent
(2) Even if you are humming in Gaelic.
(3) Excluding curling and cycling and crown bowls.
(4) Unlike the Commonwealth Games, which is a genuine opportunity for Scotland to welcome the World in friendship during a key referendum campaign.
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Date: 2012-05-25 11:47 am (UTC)It could be called "Does my Mum look big in this?"
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Date: 2012-05-25 11:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-25 12:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-25 12:05 pm (UTC)My favourite accent for low menace is the Highland accent. Glaswegians are professional headcases. When Highlanders are picking a fight you're in trouble.
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Date: 2012-05-25 12:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-25 12:08 pm (UTC)I'll get someone else to do it next time.
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Date: 2012-05-25 12:36 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2012-05-25 03:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-25 12:12 pm (UTC)Perhaps it was the fury.
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Date: 2012-05-25 12:35 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2012-05-26 02:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-26 05:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-26 05:09 pm (UTC)May I share this on FB? I have several friends who would love this.
I'm going to friend you because I love your writing. No pressure to friend me back. I tend to mainly rant about everything, mostly ATOS and British Gas and my hair.
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Date: 2012-05-26 05:47 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2012-05-27 06:18 am (UTC)