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A post on the Advent Memes included a mention of how the writer had the job of setting fire to the Christmas pudding. This is also my job in my family. Here follows a short essay on the process I use to enflame my seasonal dessert.

How I set my Christmas Pudding Alight.

 I think it is important to start with as boozy a pudding as you can manage.  When I’m making my own I generally steep the pudding in as much booze as I can lay my hands on.  If using sultana have at them with a pin to pierce the skin and allow the alcohol to soak into them.  During the maturation process I use a syringe to inject new booze deep into heart of the pudding. This pudding is a Conradesque metaphor for the dual nature of Man as both Good and Evil, Sane and Mad and usually steeped in alcohol.

Upon the day I select the right tools for the job. I have a large broad round headed spoon. I use this spoon as it holds a dram or so or whisky and it is easy to tilt so I can pour burning whisky out of it cleanly and slowly. The pudding plate has a significant camber to it and a promonent lip. I use a lighter with a smooth mechanism. Oven gloves are standing by.

Oh, and alcohol. Brandy is traditional. I like to use rum. The most alcoholic you can find. Cask strength is your friend here. I have some cask strength dark rum I’m keen to use.  Mmmh, the smokey caramel of the rum.

First I make a dent or depression in the top of the pudding by pressing down with the spoon. Gently, it’s important not to break the surface of the pudding or the booze you are about pour into the depression will soak in to the pudding.

Pour some brandy / rum / whisky into this depression and then over the pudding allowing it to form a moat around the base of the pudding. Leave for a moment and then add a little more (some will soak in to the pudding from the first tranche.)  Note Well, that this is only time when depression is enhanced by the addition of alcohol. Generally it responds positively to a range of drugs or over the longer term to a talking cure.

You way wish to place some sprigs of holly on top of the pudding for decorative effect. I don’t and if you do it makes you a heretic.

Position the pudding so that once it is alight it is easy to pick up. Remember, you’ll be wearing oven gloves.  You need the oven gloves to be able to get entirely under the dish or plate so they are out of the way of any flames. This is why I use a dish with a large camber and high rim.

Now is the time to switch off lights in the dining area, clear the gangways of trip hazards like toys, wrapping paper, pets or small loved children.

About this time in the proceedings I am careful to spill some of the pudding booze in to a glass and then drink it. This is a long running Christmas tradition called theft, ahem, I mean quality control.  Usually it is not considered good practise to perform pyrotechnic stunts or heavy lifting whilst drinking but Christmas nullifies all health and safety requirements unless you read the Daily Mail, in which case Christmas in cancelled and has been replaced by a Royal Society Christmas lecture by Richard Dawkins and Abu Quatada. It is also against the laws of physics to injure yourself on Christmas day by drinking too much and being a bit careless. Just ask Abu Quatada or many of the fine A&E doctors on duty in Casualty on Christmas day whose pensions your government recently voted to cut. Drink related Christmas injuries never happen.

Back to the pudding flammery.

Heat the spoon using the lighter.  Get it nice and warm. The flash point for a mix of alcohol and water of about 60:40 is around 22 degrees centigrade. You want the spoon warm enough that it starts to heat any booze poured into to approaching this temperature. Once it is approaching hot carefully pour the rum / brandy / whisky into the spoon. 

A quick word on mixing lighters with open bottles. Don’t.  If the lighter is on the bottle should be closed.  Why? Because a bottle half full of cask strength booze is functionally indistugishable from a Molotov cocktail and one of the few things the Daily Mail and I agree on is the inadvisability of having a Molotov cocktail go off in your kitchen during Winterfest / Christmas* dinner (delete as appropriate).

Clear a space for the pudding to land when it is delivered to the table. Make sure there is a sufficient heatproof protection for the pudding. The flames will be hot. Make sure the pudding can be put down without the pudding carrier having to get any part of their hand above the rim of the pudding, which will be on fire at the time. You really don’t want to be dancing the indecision tango with a flamming hot boozey delicous pudding in your arms.  Unless you are James Jordan.

I strongly advise lighting the pudding with it on a stable flat surface and not whilst holding it. 

Firtly, this makes the lighting of the pudding of a one person job. Everyone else can be seated round the table ready to gasp in amazement as you burn their pudding in front of them. You can retain an assistant to keep the area clear of moving persons and Daily Mail readers. (Try beating them with a rolled up copy of the Weekend FT. Or the Scotsman, let them feel what a proper reactionary paper feels like.)

Secondly, you are much less likely to be surprised by the rush of flame and spill burning alcohol all over yourself.  In a 1970’s British comedy spilling a burning Christmas pudding over yourself is likely to lead to hilarious consequences as the hostess’ dress catches on fire, a well intentioned guest tries to douse the flames with a the ice cold water from the champagne bucket and then ends up tearing off the smoudering frock to reveal the hostess’ seasonal lingerie rendered slightly see through by dint of dampness. This can be played for laughs by having the hostess played by a conventionally unattractive woman who has no right to be clouding the honest heterosexual dreams of the audience by wearing a red and gold tinsel trimed corset and stockings. Or it can be played straight by having the hostess played by a good looking woman whose career depends on having both breasts the same size.  On no account is it to be played not-straight, unless you are Monty Python.

Anyhow, what *will* happen if you spill burning Christmas pudding over yourself is a very nasty set of burns from the neckline down to about your knees. Also your hands, as in your panic you attempt to put out the fire with your bare hands. Unfortunately, due to health and safety legistlation passed since the 1970’s  you are likely to be spared the merciful death of your nylon clothing catching fire, sticking to your skin and killling you.  More likely you will end up gracing one of our fabulous, world class, and free at point of use National Health Service Casualty departments. This makes you a scrounger on our welfare state. You may expect a short wait for treatment as it’s all kicked off at the Royal Society lecture where Abu Quatada has called Charles Darwin “a total dick” and Dawkins, never far away from a slapping at the best of times, has gone for him with a stuffed crocodile shouting something about pantomime villans and sky-fairies.

Back at pudding launch control. You have a pudding on a flat surface, covered in prime booze. Your spoon is hot and has a good dram or two of finest rocket fuel aboard it.  Hold the spoon close to the pudding. Put the lid back on the bottle. Light the booze in the spoon. Hold the lighter underneath and the just to the side of the spoon so the flame licks up over the rim of the spoon. When the booze is properly alight, slowly pour it over the top of the pudding. Don’t splash any. Stand back smartly.

This bad boy is going up like a Saturn V.

Once the initial rush has died down, a few seconds or so after lift off, carefully pick up the pudding and carry it to the table to the delighted oohs and ahhs of your family, friends or the group of homeless people, single mothers and middle eastern refugees you have brought home with you to experience the true meaning of an authentic Christmas.

It should burn for a few minutes.  Don’t attempt to put the flames out. You are likely to spill burning alcohol on to the table.  Just let the flames burn down on their own. 

Once the flames have burnt out cut the pudding into eatable chunks and enjoy.

So to recap.

Think about what you are doing from start to finish.  Don’t forget you are setting fire to a highly flamable liquid in your own home whilst you are slightly drunk.

Put the pudding in the serving dish on a flat stable surface.

Make a dent or well in the top of the pudding.

Pour a lot of booze over the warm pudding. Add a bit more.

Clear a good gangway to the table.

Make sure there is space on the table so you can put the burning pudding down safely.

Be careful with naked flames and open bottles.

Heat the spoon.

Pour a dram of booze into the spoon.

Carefully set the booze in the spoon alight.

Pour spoonful of booze over pudding.

Pick up pudding carefully and carry to the table.

(If you are really safety conscious you may want to do the whole lighting of the pudding at the table. It has less of the dinner theatre about it but is less likely to end up in an operating theatre having a skin graft.)

Merry Christmas, Joyous Winterfest, Happy Hanukah and a superb Saturnalia to you all and to all a good night.