On The Next Doctor Who
Jun. 6th, 2013 10:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danieldwilliamIn honour of the retirement of Matt Smith from the role of Doctor Who I have scoured the internet to bring you the least accurate rumours about his successor. Here, presented for your information and entertainment is my list of the most unlikely candidates for the last, penulitimate, twelth, next Doctor Who?
Helen Mirren
A powerful actress with a long pedigree oftaking her clothes off challenging roles playing the Queen she would be the prime suspect to take the role of the Doctor. She’s the Hilary Clinton of the 12th Doctor battle. A strong front runner but ultimately carrying too much baggage to win through.
I’d expect her to be blacked up so as to cover off two progressive angles at once.
Companion – Freema Angemayo reprises her role as Dr Martha Jones, chief scientific advisor to UNIT and provider of magical time travelling cupcakes to Donna Noble's granddad. Grrr, feel the lesbian sexual tension which is totatally appropriate in a tea-time show as the Victorian Silurian with the hilariously long and flexible tongue demonstrated.
Costume and Gimmicks – fabulous yet practical frocks.
Tardis – lots of red velvet.
Craig David
His excellent song 7 Days clearly indicates that he has instinctive grasp of the nuances of time and the utility of time travel when approaching a new companion. It's not stalking if you use a Tardis. His floor filling anthem Re-ee-ee-ee-wind demonstrates that he’ll be prefectly at home the Moffverse where time is regularly reset by a mysterious group knows as theFaction Paradox Selectors
He’ll be making love last Saturday, next Wednesday, a week on Thursday and chillin’ on all the Sundays.
Costume and Gimmicks – a stocking cap and a truly silly beard. A tendancy to say, “yeah, yeah, Doctor, yeah” as if he can’t belive he’s actually himself. Which may of course be true if those plastic chaps get loose again or the writers run out of anything interesting to do with one of the most versatile characters since television began.
Tardis – bean bags!
Hugh Laurie
Alternating between an irrasible cold hearted genius and a bumbling buffoon and accompanying himself with some banjo blues playing Hugh Laurie would be a perfect Doctor in the eccentric English gent category. A long running story arc sees Laurie’s Who trying to avoid upsetting Romana, avoid gettering engaged to her niece or her niece's best friend, re-hiring a cook all whislt developing a cure for Ukiportoryrightis a mysterious illness that turns ordinary people into swivel-eyed reactionary loons hell bent on returning to a classic age when Doctor Who wore a scarf, only used the sonic screwdriver to open tins of achovies, had 4 episode long stories and filled all the extra time with running up and down more corridors than it does now.
Companion – Stephen Fry as a laconic, ironic gentleman’s gentlemen android.
Costume and Gimmicks – a banjo, his costume becomes a source of comic tussel between his companion, the Tardis and Laurie’s Who.
Sarah Alexander
A calculated move sees Sarah Alexander coupled back up with show runner Moffat. She’s no stranger to playing a doctor. A fine comic actor she would bring a sense of dry absurdist humour to the role and possibly some unnecessary nudity. Cynically, one for the dads but that’s okay because she’s a woman, with woman parts. Look.
Companion –Me. Alan Davies plays a failed magician who’s fumbling presdidigitation works as a long running, unhelpful, unneeded and ultimately baffling metaphor for Alexander’s Who’s failing attempts to conjour herself in and out of history and to avoid becoming John Hurt, a problem she will, in any event, be constantly harping on about. Mariella Frostrup appears as a regualar guest star / second companion as a professor of literature escaping from a maximum security library to hunt down seminal texts about the Time War. Her gravelly voiced narration overlaid on her own appearance in the narrative leads us into under explored world of an unreliable narrator. Who is Mariella Frostrup, really?
Costume and Gimmick – a smart trouser suit with occassional references to her being naked.
Tardis – a few stereotypically femine touches – a vase of flowers, perhaps some chintz curtains, a cushion.
Philip Glenister
Honouring the BBC’s move out of London to Salford Smith’s replacement is a Northerner. A reaction to the eccentric, nay foppish Matt Smith, Northerner Philip Glenister brings a touch of Northern muscularity to the role of the space and time travelling adventurer. In marked contrast to his gruff demenour and physical presence Glenister’s Northern Doctor solves problems using his brain and his Northern abilty to build rapport with peoples of all types, taking folk as he finds them, realising there’s nowt so queer as folk.
Companion. Morrisey, the Northern singer, is coaxed out on to the small screen to be Northern and angsty. The perfect counter-point to Glennister's Who. A long running “joke” sees covers of Smiths’ songs creeping into the narrative like a shame faced burglar breaking in to your house to return your granny’s ashes. Although the Season 8 or possibly 9 season finalewill be, is, was, will always have been rightly judged to be a classic more discerning Northern fans love the Christmas special “ William Hartnell, Please, Please, Please, Panic Because I’m Sylvestor McCoy Now.”
Costume and Gimmick – a cumpled suit with a black leather trench coat, being Northern, drinking Gin and Tonics out of pint glass with a handle. Eating bacon sandwiches in front of Morissey.
Tardis – some leather seats appear.
Sacha Baron Cohen
Cohen’s Who is a Master of disguise able to slip in to and out of any base under siege through his uncanny ability to present likable and realistic portrayals of non-mainstream persons.
Companion – Ali G, if we can’t have a black Doctor the least we can do is have a black companion. Carol Kirkwood rejoins Cohen as a chrono-psychic, using her strange divination powers to peer in to the cloudy and uncertain future and predict that Cohen will be sacked after one series and then ret-conned right out of the shows history.
Costume and Gimmicks – costumes various depending on the disguise. Cohen’s Who is gay and pins for a relationship with Captain JackAubrey, Sparrrow Harkness. Sorry, Captain Mainwaring.
Tim Curry
A progressive candidate for the role of Who, famous transvestite Curry brings a sense of menance to the role not seen since Sylvester McCoy killed off the show in the 80’s.
Companions - Joan Collins plays a wise cracking New Yorker who gets all her opinions from the Daily Mail. Carol Vorderman plays Joan’s older sister, separated from her in time by some handwavy timey-wimey plot contrivance that on first look appears to be a fig leaf for the writers utter inability to do their job properly but in fact is Moffat skillfully and mercilessly trolling fans of Classic Who.
Costume and Gimmick- none Curry is enough.
Tardis – occassionally disguises itself as a rickety old mansion house on a secluded country road.
David Jason
The versatile and much loved David Jason can play David Jason in a variety of formats. He's turned his hand to situation comedy, rural idyll, police procedural, submarine ghost epic, cartoon mouse spy adventure and Dickensian classic. This ideally suits him to the role of David Jason in Doctor Who. In fact the only genre not solidly on Sir David’s CV is time travel based science fiction which as the current crop of writers largely refuse to write any actual science fiction only makes him more perfick for the role.
Companions. Sir David is joined in his quests through out all of space and time and London in 2013 by a CGI animation alien called Stylo Bend who sports a pair of google glasses and whose main role in the programme is to prompt exposition by being surprised at everything. He is also assisted by Thandi Newton playing the only other Time Lord to survive the Time War – or so she says.
Costume and Gimmick.Usually dressed in navy cords and a tank top Jason’s Doctor occassionally delights long term fans with a bit of fanwank nostalgia by appearing in a Batman costume. His sonic screwdriver comes with a retro-active anti-gravity function safeguarding chandaliers through out space and time. He has a pipe but due to current BBC policy he never, ever lights it.
Tardis – generally unchanged but on occasion control panels viscously go for the Doctor by slamming shut with a loud bell-ring.
Steve McQueen
Entirely made of CGI and recycled clips of him in other films Steve McQueen would make a prestigious yet cheap Doctor able to appeal to Doctor Who’s growing trans-Atlantic audience.
Companions – McQueen’s Doctor has the largest set of regular companions, six in total. Not all of them can join him on every mission so he breaks them out of a maximum security compound whenever he needs them. His companions include an insane robot cowboy rescued from a theme park, an Oriental potentate with a penchant for dancing, and Eygptian pharoah, one of three Russian brothers, a French pirate, and guileful general of a failed autocratic regime called Zakalwe.
Costume and Gimmicks – dressed like a US Army Airforce pilot of the Second World War McQueen endlessly throws a baseball against the walls of the Tardis as a metaphor for how terribly, terribly lonely the Doctor is.
Tardis – largely in black and white.
Nigel Farage
The epitome of English eccentric Farage returns Doctor Who to before it began by adopting a 1950’s approach to the character. Capitalising on the full power of the Time Lords Farage’s Doctor takes not just the Tardis but the whole of Britain back to a time before the BBC and the EU had ruined everything. Everything I tell you. Even fish and chips.
Companions. Farage’s commonsense approach to sorting out foreigners, women, gays and other undesirables is counter-pointed by the surreal absurdism of Noel Fielding and Lenny Henry. There is also a girl with large boobs but no one can remember her name.
Costume and Gimmick – essentially dressed like Toad of Toad Hall Farage’s Doctor sports a tweed suit, mis-matched tweed waistcoat, tweed shoes, a pint brewed out of water from the River Tweed and, unlike McQueen, in a violation of BBC policy that will eventually see him disciplined and replaced by Jon Sergeant for the Easter special, he smokes a large cigar.
Wallace from Wallace and Grommit
Combining two long running British heros in one the 12th Doctor is played by Wallace. The claymation character will be voiced by Ed Balls, because Ed Miliband is too busy trying to be DavidJason Miliband. Often tweets himself. Wallace’s Doctor tries to avoid conflict as much as possible and tends to see the best in people but be warned. He is slow to anger but mighty when roused.
Companion – K-9 makes a welcome return as the knowing, put upon, curmudgenly but utimately loveable dog-like companion. Robot dog companion, What can go wrong?
Costume and Gimmicks – identical to David Jason’s costume. Wears a small bunch of grapes on his lapel to go with any cheese he might find.
Tardis – filled with wonderful inventions to reduce the amount of time spent doing anything other than time travel. Fan favourites include the Time Reset Button and a device for removing cyber trousers.
My Brother Dave
Much like Ed Miliband I have a brother who would be much better at this than I am. A former actor turned management consultant my brother Dave would make the perfect Doctor Who. He combines a raw physical charisma with a sensitive but practical outlook on life. And an Australian accent allowing the BBC to capitalise on the recent craze for all things Australian. Da
Companions. My Brother Dave comes complete with his own glamourous companion, his lovely wife Amelia, also a talented actress who will keep Dave’s Doctor focused on his mission. Joining my brother and sister-in-law is Bruce, a professor of logical positivism at Sydney University. Kylie Minogue will reprise her guest role of Astrid.
Like Pertwee’s Doctor, Dave’s Doctor is at first confined to Earth for reasons that make perfect narrative sense and are nothing to do with budgets at all. He and his companion adopt the disguise of an ordinary Australian family living in a typical suburb of a large Australian city only to discover that their neighbours are a right bunch of flaming gallahs and a front for a Dalek, Cyberman, Silurian, Sontaran, Great Intelligence New Alien Threat’s plan to take over the world.
Costume and Gimmicks. Dave’s Doctor will adopt a small subtle measure of Australiana in his costume with a hat with corks, a pair of bermuda shorts, flip flops, a singlet and a stubby and a pet koala.
Tardis - re-styled with a verandah and the engine from a 1968 Ford Falcon.
Helen Mirren
A powerful actress with a long pedigree of
I’d expect her to be blacked up so as to cover off two progressive angles at once.
Companion – Freema Angemayo reprises her role as Dr Martha Jones, chief scientific advisor to UNIT and provider of magical time travelling cupcakes to Donna Noble's granddad. Grrr, feel the lesbian sexual tension which is totatally appropriate in a tea-time show as the Victorian Silurian with the hilariously long and flexible tongue demonstrated.
Costume and Gimmicks – fabulous yet practical frocks.
Tardis – lots of red velvet.
Craig David
His excellent song 7 Days clearly indicates that he has instinctive grasp of the nuances of time and the utility of time travel when approaching a new companion. It's not stalking if you use a Tardis. His floor filling anthem Re-ee-ee-ee-wind demonstrates that he’ll be prefectly at home the Moffverse where time is regularly reset by a mysterious group knows as the
He’ll be making love last Saturday, next Wednesday, a week on Thursday and chillin’ on all the Sundays.
Costume and Gimmicks – a stocking cap and a truly silly beard. A tendancy to say, “yeah, yeah, Doctor, yeah” as if he can’t belive he’s actually himself. Which may of course be true if those plastic chaps get loose again or the writers run out of anything interesting to do with one of the most versatile characters since television began.
Tardis – bean bags!
Hugh Laurie
Alternating between an irrasible cold hearted genius and a bumbling buffoon and accompanying himself with some banjo blues playing Hugh Laurie would be a perfect Doctor in the eccentric English gent category. A long running story arc sees Laurie’s Who trying to avoid upsetting Romana, avoid gettering engaged to her niece or her niece's best friend, re-hiring a cook all whislt developing a cure for Ukiportoryrightis a mysterious illness that turns ordinary people into swivel-eyed reactionary loons hell bent on returning to a classic age when Doctor Who wore a scarf, only used the sonic screwdriver to open tins of achovies, had 4 episode long stories and filled all the extra time with running up and down more corridors than it does now.
Companion – Stephen Fry as a laconic, ironic gentleman’s gentlemen android.
Costume and Gimmicks – a banjo, his costume becomes a source of comic tussel between his companion, the Tardis and Laurie’s Who.
Sarah Alexander
A calculated move sees Sarah Alexander coupled back up with show runner Moffat. She’s no stranger to playing a doctor. A fine comic actor she would bring a sense of dry absurdist humour to the role and possibly some unnecessary nudity. Cynically, one for the dads but that’s okay because she’s a woman, with woman parts. Look.
Companion –
Costume and Gimmick – a smart trouser suit with occassional references to her being naked.
Tardis – a few stereotypically femine touches – a vase of flowers, perhaps some chintz curtains, a cushion.
Philip Glenister
Honouring the BBC’s move out of London to Salford Smith’s replacement is a Northerner. A reaction to the eccentric, nay foppish Matt Smith, Northerner Philip Glenister brings a touch of Northern muscularity to the role of the space and time travelling adventurer. In marked contrast to his gruff demenour and physical presence Glenister’s Northern Doctor solves problems using his brain and his Northern abilty to build rapport with peoples of all types, taking folk as he finds them, realising there’s nowt so queer as folk.
Companion. Morrisey, the Northern singer, is coaxed out on to the small screen to be Northern and angsty. The perfect counter-point to Glennister's Who. A long running “joke” sees covers of Smiths’ songs creeping into the narrative like a shame faced burglar breaking in to your house to return your granny’s ashes. Although the Season 8 or possibly 9 season finale
Costume and Gimmick – a cumpled suit with a black leather trench coat, being Northern, drinking Gin and Tonics out of pint glass with a handle. Eating bacon sandwiches in front of Morissey.
Tardis – some leather seats appear.
Sacha Baron Cohen
Cohen’s Who is a Master of disguise able to slip in to and out of any base under siege through his uncanny ability to present likable and realistic portrayals of non-mainstream persons.
Companion – Ali G, if we can’t have a black Doctor the least we can do is have a black companion. Carol Kirkwood rejoins Cohen as a chrono-psychic, using her strange divination powers to peer in to the cloudy and uncertain future and predict that Cohen will be sacked after one series and then ret-conned right out of the shows history.
Costume and Gimmicks – costumes various depending on the disguise. Cohen’s Who is gay and pins for a relationship with Captain Jack
Tim Curry
A progressive candidate for the role of Who, famous transvestite Curry brings a sense of menance to the role not seen since Sylvester McCoy killed off the show in the 80’s.
Companions - Joan Collins plays a wise cracking New Yorker who gets all her opinions from the Daily Mail. Carol Vorderman plays Joan’s older sister, separated from her in time by some handwavy timey-wimey plot contrivance that on first look appears to be a fig leaf for the writers utter inability to do their job properly but in fact is Moffat skillfully and mercilessly trolling fans of Classic Who.
Costume and Gimmick- none Curry is enough.
Tardis – occassionally disguises itself as a rickety old mansion house on a secluded country road.
David Jason
The versatile and much loved David Jason can play David Jason in a variety of formats. He's turned his hand to situation comedy, rural idyll, police procedural, submarine ghost epic, cartoon mouse spy adventure and Dickensian classic. This ideally suits him to the role of David Jason in Doctor Who. In fact the only genre not solidly on Sir David’s CV is time travel based science fiction which as the current crop of writers largely refuse to write any actual science fiction only makes him more perfick for the role.
Companions. Sir David is joined in his quests through out all of space and time and London in 2013 by a CGI animation alien called Stylo Bend who sports a pair of google glasses and whose main role in the programme is to prompt exposition by being surprised at everything. He is also assisted by Thandi Newton playing the only other Time Lord to survive the Time War – or so she says.
Costume and Gimmick.Usually dressed in navy cords and a tank top Jason’s Doctor occassionally delights long term fans with a bit of fanwank nostalgia by appearing in a Batman costume. His sonic screwdriver comes with a retro-active anti-gravity function safeguarding chandaliers through out space and time. He has a pipe but due to current BBC policy he never, ever lights it.
Tardis – generally unchanged but on occasion control panels viscously go for the Doctor by slamming shut with a loud bell-ring.
Steve McQueen
Entirely made of CGI and recycled clips of him in other films Steve McQueen would make a prestigious yet cheap Doctor able to appeal to Doctor Who’s growing trans-Atlantic audience.
Companions – McQueen’s Doctor has the largest set of regular companions, six in total. Not all of them can join him on every mission so he breaks them out of a maximum security compound whenever he needs them. His companions include an insane robot cowboy rescued from a theme park, an Oriental potentate with a penchant for dancing, and Eygptian pharoah, one of three Russian brothers, a French pirate, and guileful general of a failed autocratic regime called Zakalwe.
Costume and Gimmicks – dressed like a US Army Airforce pilot of the Second World War McQueen endlessly throws a baseball against the walls of the Tardis as a metaphor for how terribly, terribly lonely the Doctor is.
Tardis – largely in black and white.
Nigel Farage
The epitome of English eccentric Farage returns Doctor Who to before it began by adopting a 1950’s approach to the character. Capitalising on the full power of the Time Lords Farage’s Doctor takes not just the Tardis but the whole of Britain back to a time before the BBC and the EU had ruined everything. Everything I tell you. Even fish and chips.
Companions. Farage’s commonsense approach to sorting out foreigners, women, gays and other undesirables is counter-pointed by the surreal absurdism of Noel Fielding and Lenny Henry. There is also a girl with large boobs but no one can remember her name.
Costume and Gimmick – essentially dressed like Toad of Toad Hall Farage’s Doctor sports a tweed suit, mis-matched tweed waistcoat, tweed shoes, a pint brewed out of water from the River Tweed and, unlike McQueen, in a violation of BBC policy that will eventually see him disciplined and replaced by Jon Sergeant for the Easter special, he smokes a large cigar.
Wallace from Wallace and Grommit
Combining two long running British heros in one the 12th Doctor is played by Wallace. The claymation character will be voiced by Ed Balls, because Ed Miliband is too busy trying to be David
Companion – K-9 makes a welcome return as the knowing, put upon, curmudgenly but utimately loveable dog-like companion. Robot dog companion, What can go wrong?
Costume and Gimmicks – identical to David Jason’s costume. Wears a small bunch of grapes on his lapel to go with any cheese he might find.
Tardis – filled with wonderful inventions to reduce the amount of time spent doing anything other than time travel. Fan favourites include the Time Reset Button and a device for removing cyber trousers.
My Brother Dave
Much like Ed Miliband I have a brother who would be much better at this than I am. A former actor turned management consultant my brother Dave would make the perfect Doctor Who. He combines a raw physical charisma with a sensitive but practical outlook on life. And an Australian accent allowing the BBC to capitalise on the recent craze for all things Australian. Da
Companions. My Brother Dave comes complete with his own glamourous companion, his lovely wife Amelia, also a talented actress who will keep Dave’s Doctor focused on his mission. Joining my brother and sister-in-law is Bruce, a professor of logical positivism at Sydney University. Kylie Minogue will reprise her guest role of Astrid.
Like Pertwee’s Doctor, Dave’s Doctor is at first confined to Earth for reasons that make perfect narrative sense and are nothing to do with budgets at all. He and his companion adopt the disguise of an ordinary Australian family living in a typical suburb of a large Australian city only to discover that their neighbours are a right bunch of flaming gallahs and a front for a
Costume and Gimmicks. Dave’s Doctor will adopt a small subtle measure of Australiana in his costume with a hat with corks, a pair of bermuda shorts, flip flops, a singlet and a stubby and a pet koala.
Tardis - re-styled with a verandah and the engine from a 1968 Ford Falcon.
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Date: 2013-06-06 12:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-06 10:21 pm (UTC)