On Twenty-Five True Facts About the Upcoming General Election

[danieldwilliam]

It's been a quiet time here at the Tartan Shortbread Institute of Scotology, much sound and fury (5), signifying nothing and all that but it looks likely that there will be a general election (or General Election) sometime soon. So we thought we'd better put on our pork pie hats of prognostication and perform some professional predicting, because, who doesn't swoon for a short series of syllables that sounds like other syllables sound(1). Anyhow, here is our latest report Twenty-Five True Facts About the Upcoming General Election That You Can Stick on the Side of a Bus.

Enter your cut contents here.

1) There is going to be a General Election on 15^th October, or maybe the 21st October, definitely October, or perhaps November. Or maybe as late at December (but no sooner than September). Perhaps next year. Or maybe the year after. Depends on whether the Prime Minister can persuade the people he sacked to do as he asks and sack themselves. Or there might not be a General Election. Look, it's about a 95% chance that there will be another General Election in the UK at some point in the future. That's about as far as we are prepared to be drawn.
2) The election will be between Boris Johnson, the incumbent Conservative Prime Minister (6) and Jeremy Corbyn, (9) radical Marxist left-winger and leader of the anti-business Labour Party. Also featuring are Jo Swinson, Ian Blackford, Liz Saville-Roberts and Caroline Lucas. I say featuring. I mean ignored. During the election campaign the currency markets will respond quickly to the ups and downs of the rivals’ electoral chances. When the madman with the economically destructive plan for the United Kingdom England is doing well the pound will tumble. When Corbyn is ahead the pound will rise.
3) Farage! Nigel Farage! will almost certainly stand and given his record, almost certainly lose. To paraphrase recently-expelled-from-the-Party, now-former Tory MP Nicholas Soames MP’s grandfather, to lose one election is unfortunate, to lose eight begins to look like you are massive toad-facedm gammon-hued, Pujadist bell-end charlatan with no more right to be involved in British English politics than Vladimir Putin or Pope Clement VII. If we are very lucky, he’ll try flying his plane over John Bercow’s home again and be shot down by 303 (Polish) Squadron and then kicked to death by Sally Bercow 😊.
4) Labour’s Campaign Song will be a cover of London Calling by the Clash, performed by a supergroup made up of the Remaining Smiths, the Brexit-Voting Smiths, Jo Johnson, the nice Gallagher brother (you know, the one who didn’t go in to the music business), last year’s winner of Eurovision (4) with Billy Bragg on ukulele and drum machine. The alternative Labour (National and Cooperative) Party campaign song will be Things Can Only Get Better (TinTin out remix) by the Miliband Brothers featuring Brians Cox, May and Blessed on backing vocals and Gary Lineker playing the spoons. The Brexit Party Campaign song is Tomorrow Belongs to Me performed by Mike Reed with a B-Side of the UKIP Calypso – just to show that Brexiteers are moving with the times.
5) Jo Johnson will fight and win the seat of Uxbridge and South Ruislip for Sein Fein KFC.
6) Only the fact that Scotland stops at the border with England the United Kingdom will prevent the SNP from winning 99.85% of all the seats . The only seat in Scotland they won’t win will be Edinburgh South which, due to a horrible horrible mix up in the domestic arrangements of the author (the northernmost elector of Edinburgh South), his Lovely Wife and their only son, (Edinburgh’s Premier Baam, currently non-voting), the incumbent, Iain Murray will win by 1 vote.
7) Boris Johnson will campaign on a 7-point plan of

1) building / not building the third runway at Heathrow

2) building / not building HS2

3) building / not building a wall in the EuroTunnel and making France pay

4) granting / not granting a Section 30 order

5) leaving / not leaving the EU*

6) being / not being a lying little cockweasle that not even his own brother trusts

*delete as convenient (3),

He will bilk you out of the 7^th point, but as he’s campaigning for Brexiteer votes you can imagine whatever sparkling unicorns your heart desires and then loudly demand that Remainers deliver them, on a bus.

8) The Liberal Democrats will enter the election defending 14 15 16 17seats. (8) By the time voting actually occurs they will be defending 65 seats. They will finish the election with between 0 and 573 seats. Only the fact that the border with the EU Scotland stops at the end of England will prevent them having a range of seats from 0 – 650.
9) Seamus Milne will find himself the subject of an investigation by MI5, MI6, the CIA, the FSB, Mossad, the FBI, KFC (2), the KLF, the KKK, KC and the Sunshine Band and my mum. He’ll shrug, just another day at the office.
10) Boris Johnson will be filmed grabbing the Duchess of Cambridge’s left tit. He will deny it. The Sun will blame Jeremy Corbyn for not being patriotic or brave enough to sexually assault Our English Rose Kate, ooo-eer, isn’t she lov-ah-ley!
11) Sick of having to nursemaid his boss puppet Johnson though an endless number of Greggs vegan sausage rolls, accusations of adultery, missed photo-opportunities and late night boozing sessions and family lunches, Dominic Cummings will lose it. I mean really lose it. Go Nuclear Bananas. Properly full on, fist-clenched, red in the face, wetting himself with rage, Peter Capaldi doing his impression of Begby from Trainspotting lose it. Is that what you want? Because that’s what’ll happen.
12) No one will stand against Caroline Lucas. Gordon Brown will stand up for the Union. Jeremy Corbyn will stand up for the Arsenal. No one will stand near Dominic Cummings. Jacob Rees-Mogg won’t stand for Somerset North-East but he will attempt to secure the Somerset seat from a situation of supine superiority. That’s lying down to you plebs.
13) So complicated will be the electoral map be that Jeremy Vine will have to introduce a three-dimensional Swingometer and he himself will have to operate in four dimensions. Boris Johnson will cope well with that, he can lie in five dimensions – at least that’s what it says in the Tory Party manifesto and I believe him. John Curtiss will weep bitter tears as he once again tries to explain to Fiona Bruce that “it’s more complicated than that”.
14) Priti Patel will accidentally deport herself for “looking a bit Asian.” She will advertise her own deportation on the side of a bus. It will be the only true thing written on the side of a British bus this decade. Looking back on the early 21^st Century, those of us who survive it, will see that as a highlight. We won’t be able to eat it, or trade it to Americans for diseased chicken but it will make us chuckle. Sajid Javid will only survive deportation because no real human being has ears like that, so he must be an actual alien, not just a brown person who has mistaken themselves for Properly British.
15) In epic trolling by the Iranians they will release Nanazin Zaghari-Ratcliffe during the election campaign but only in to the custody of Emily Thornberry, as she’ll be foreign secretary soon enough. Ms Zaghari-Ratcliffe will settle in Uxbridge. Or possibly South Ruislip.
16) Boris Johnson will try to abandon his seat for a safer one, just like he’s abandoned every other place, person, position or principle in his life. James Cleverley will force him to defend Uxbridge and South Ruislip. Due to a horrible, horrible domestic mix up in the Zaghari-Ratcliffe household he will lose by one vote.
17) Diane Abbot will unveil the 7-point Labour Manifesto carved in to the living chalk of the White Cliffs of Dover
1) Nationalising Dominic Cummings
2) Nationalising the Irish Border
3) Nationalising the NHS

4) An End to Child Poverty, Pensioner Poverty, Student Poverty, Honest Poverty, the Poverty of Ambition and Uncle Tom Poverty and All

5) Bacon Rolls for Everyone

6) Tough on Education, Education, Education, Tough on the Causes of Education, Education, Education
7) A Fair Day’s Pay for a Fair Day’s Work

8) A review of the criminal justice system and drugs policy with a view to finding an effective way of reducing the harmful impacts of drugs mis-use

9) A detailed focus on endogenous growth theory and the links with neo-Keynsian fiscal policy, the Laffer curve, industrial strategy and a Green New Deal

10) A Northern Transport Investment Strategy

The Daily Mail will brand the White Cliffs of Dover “enemies of the people.” Led By Donkeys will demand their projector back.
18) Paul Dacre will stand against Farage! Nigel Farage! in Thanet Central and Cwmbran. Neither man is sufficiently acquainted with reality to realise that Thanet Central and Cwmbran is a made-up constituency. They saw the name on the side of a bus and that was good enough for them. Anne Widdicombe will win, with Anton du Beke serving as her electoral agent. He will later be remanded in Reading Gaol for repeated electoral regulation irregularities and crimes against DAAAAUNCE, darling. Gina Miller will sue.
19) The King Over the Water, Rex quondam, Rexque Futurus Gordon Brown will once again ride to the rescue of The World Remain the Union with a Solemn Vow League and Covenant carved in to John Smith’s headstone. He will be spotted sharing a drink, tea, or not tea, with John Major. A photograph of this will be printed on the front page of the Scottish Daily Mail, under the headline “ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE. Sarah Smith will cry tears of sorrow, to the haunting lament of Flowers O’ the Forest live on the BBC Election Night Special. It will be as if five million, four hundred and twenty-four thousand, eight hundred people cried out in terror.
20) Boris Johnson will claim that the following newspapers have endorsed him: The FT, the Times, The Daily Telegraph, the Spectator, the New Statesman, Figaro, La Monde, The Washington Post, Die Welt, the Guardian, the Independent, The Sydney Morning Herald, The Remaining Smiths fanzine, the Marr Report, ConservativeHome and Stanley Johnson’ Christmas Letter
The following newspapers will actually endorse Boris Johnson; the Daily Mail and the Socialist Worker.
The Economist will endorse Jeremy Corbyn. As will Piers Corbyn, because if you can’t trust your own brother, who can you trust?
The National will endorse Jo Swinson but she’ll be so offended she’ll sue.
KFC will endorse being kept the bloody hell out of it, thank you very much Conservative Central Office.
21) Wings Over Scotland and Noel Edmonds will stand in Ross, Skye and Lochaber, thus splitting the internet nutter vote and allowing Ian Blackford to come through the middle to retain his seat against all the odds. Blackford will go on to serve as Deputy Prime Minister in the Third Jess Philips Ministry of 2020.
22) The BBC will invite John McTernan and Blair McDougal to represent the SNP on Election Night Special and will eventually be fined for constantly referring to the SNP as the Scittish Notional Party and the Scottish Parliament as London-by-Leith County Council.
23) Commentators will ignore the likely impact on the election of the following demographic changes
- hundreds of thousands of pissed off EU citizens taking British citizenship
- hundreds of thousands of pissed off young people turning 18
- hundreds of thousand of racist old people dying
- hundreds of thousands of pissed off Ex-Pats re-registering to vote
24) The election will result in a hung parliament. So hung will Parliament be that Rowan Atkinson will be seconded as Speaker solely so he can say that the Parliament is as Hung As a Big Brown Bear that Has Just Been Made Dean of Ursine Dong Dangling at Oxford University. But fear not, he will have a cunning plan (10)
25) Marc Zuckerberg Colonel Sanders will be declared President for Life.