danieldwilliam (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
danieldwilliam) wrote2018-06-08 12:28 pm
danieldwilliam) wrote2018-06-08 12:28 pm
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On Twenty-Five True Facts About Strictly Come Dancing 2018
It's been a bit quiet at the Tartan Shortbread Institute of Scotology. After our searing analysis "25 Untrue Facts About Nigel Farage" and "25 Made Up Guesses About Our New Robotic Overlords" we've attracted a bit of attention from the security services which culminated in an incident after our pamphlet "25 True Secret Yet True Facts About the Secret US Invasion of North Secret Korea" proved unexpectedly accurate. So we've been keeping our heads down. I can't say much about what we've been up to but let me tell you that the Hamhung People's Number Three Re-Education and Freedom Through Work Camp is lovely at this time of year.
Anyway, we're back and we're kicking off our 2018 season with some predictions about the celebrities appearing on Strictly Come Dancing in 2018 and other key information in our devastating blog post - 25 True Facts About Strictly Come Dancing 2018.
Sir Alan now Lord Sugar and Greg Wallace will be hired as pitch side analysts. In business sometimes you have to take risks and they don't come much bigger than this.
The Dave Arch House Band will be refreshed and become a super-group made up of , Dave Dee, David Bowie, Dave McAfee, Dave Lee Travis, David Dimbleby, General Robert E Lee, Dave Stewart, David Beckham, Davood Ghamadi, Kanye West, the remaining Smiths, Alice Nutter from Chumbawhumba (1), Netta Bazilia, and Andrea from the Corrs (2).
A sex scandal will engulf Tess Daly, centering on her relationship with Pudsey (3) the Bear. The Daily Mail will run a headline "Daily Daly and the Bare Bear" and brand her an "enemy of the people." She will sue Perkins.
Kevin Clifton will be paired as the professional partner for famed ballroom dancer, Karen Clifton. He will finish second. Is that you want, because that's what will happen.
People's Hero Paul Dacre will be partnered with new-comer (4) Luba Mushtuk. The Daily Mail will run a campaign attempting to have her deported.
In a Strictly first, forming a same-sex couple, former Brexit Secretary David, now David, Davis will be partnered with Sir Alex now Lord Salmond. They will be the first couple to be eliminated. David Davis will be knighted neutered for his service to which ever mythical country he thinks he lives in.
A surprise late entry will be which ever poor sod from the England football team misses the penalty in the World Cup semi-finals in Russia which sees England eliminated by Germany in a penalty shoot-out. After being branded an "enemy of the people" by 4-4-2 and the Sky Sports podcast he will be hoping to rehabilitate himself in the eyes of the English public. Despite his infamy he will be kept in the competiton by the votes of grateful nation, in this case Scotland. Partnered with Oti Mabuse they will be knocked out in the semi-finals.
The finalists will be Dr Lucy Worsley, Norman "Fatboy Slim" Cook, Sir Billy, now Lord Connoly and Pudsey the Bear
This year's surprise celebrity to go deep in to the competition will be Marvin the Paranoid Android. Partnered with Katya Jones they will be knocked out in the semi-final when pitch side analysis Sir Alan, now Lord Sugar loses his temper and goes for a shock double elimination.
This year's husband and wife celebrity entrant are Offred and the Commander. Offred, partnered with Nadiya Bychkova, will be heavily critisised in the Daily Mail for her wanton attempts to sexualise a family programme. No irony should be inferred by the fact that this story will be run next to a full page photograph of Emma Watson in a bikini and Dakota Blue Richards photoshopped in to a "school girl" outfit and opposite a picture of a bead of sweat running down the inside of Tess Daly's cleavage used to illustrate how EU regulations on stage lighting are destroying British culture.
Noodle from the Gorillaz will break the record for most consequtive appearances in the Dreaded Dance Off. After 8 straight weeks in the dance off she will finish top of the leader board only to sprain her ankle in training the next week and have to pull out for contraceptive reasons.
Vegan (5) campaigner, The Rock, (6) and professional partner Jannette Manrara will bring a touch of class to Musical Week by dancing the Jive to Feed Me from Little Shop of Horrors. Offred and Nadiya Byschkova will dance perhaps the most erotic version of The Old Bamboo from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The new editor of the Daily Mail will threaten to "put those saucy minxes over my knee for a jolly good Brexit Britain spanking." There's nothing creepy about that in a family newspaper. Spankers Weekly will run a back page spread and brand the new editor of the Daily Mail an "enemy of the posterior."
Eventual winner Dr Lucy Worsley will be embroiled in a sex scandal with the Director of the Tartan Shortbread Institute of Scotology, at least that will be the impression given by detailed notes contained in his Dream Diary which will be found by a widowed orphan on the last Eurostar train to leave St Pancras on 29th March 2019.
The Final will over run so badly that it will clash with the Doctor Who Christmas Special (working title "Destiny of the Dalaks of Destiny and the Cyberwomen of Doom." The Plot (for that's what we have to call it now under GDPR, of Destiny of the Dalaks of Destiny will feature a trip to Civil War America where the forces of good, led by General, now Lord, Robert E Lee fights former Prime Minister and Saviour of the Universe, Gordon Brown. Female Doctor Who, the Doctor, now TimeLord Whitaker, will nut Paul Dacre after the Daily Mail publishes pictures of a scantilly clad Rassalon played by former male James Bond Timothy Dalton under the headline " MI All Gown Up Now?" (The editors would like to make it clear that Timothy Dalton is a former, male James Bond and not a former male, Jame Bond, although of course, there is nothing wrong with being a former male James Bond in either case as the male editor of the Daily (former) Mail would agree.
The other celebrity couple to enter will be Lalla (7) Ward and Richard Dawkins. Richard Dawkins will be surprisingly good at the foxtrot.
In preparation for the Brexit Britain no public funding will be allowed to be spent by the BBC on making or showing BBC programmes. Half of the costs of running Strictly Come Dancing will be met by a sponsorship package from Aristoc hosiery. The other half will come from EU funding packages for third world countries. Electricity for the cameras will be provied by zero hours contract Deliveraroo riders hooked up to dynamos (8) and flogged by the female editrix of Spankers' Weekly and lighting will be provided by candles brought from home by the audience and made from recycled whale tallow. Sir Bob, now Lord Give Us Your Fucking Money Geldoff will organise a charity fund-raising concert in the ruins of the Blackpool Tower Ballroom. No one will go.
Claudia Winkleman will behave in an increasingly odd way. No one will think this worthy of comment until she breaks down and confesses live on air to having assassinated Sir Bruce, now Dead Forsyth. Saga Noren, Malmo CID, from the Bridge will be brought in to investigate. The dramatisation of her investigations and further adventures, the Forsyth Saga will become a 21st century classic.
This year's Blackpool show will be moved to Jerusalem after the Blackpool Tower Ballroom is rendered unsafe by fracking.
Brendan Cole will be introduced as a fifth judge replacing Donny (9) Osmond. Before being made permanent he will be sacked for his involvement in an off-air scuffle with Craig Revel-Horward over which one of them is going to nail Bruno to his chair first. Cole will be replaced by David Hasselhoff. Gordon Brown will emerge, like the King Over the Water to pour Scotland's Oil on Strictly's Troubled Waters. Saga Noren will investiate the alleged assault in a surprise fifth series of the Bridge. There's a joke in there somewhere but I don't think any of us care any more, I mean, what's the point, brain the size of a planet and, here I am, a male robot, making tea for Claudia Winkleman.
The SNP will fund Scotland's Future Growth by betting heavily that Vince Cable will win Strictly 2018 and then selling their position for 97 billion New Scottish Groats (£90bn, €1.75) to Jodi Whitaker.
Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman will be seen together at the Jerusalem show sparking rumours of a homosexual, gay, same-sex love affair or, fans fear, a return of Sherlock.
The first show of the season will be interupted as we go live to Downing Street where Prime Mininster Theresa, now Lord May, announces a General Election. The results of GE18 will be announced by David Dimbleby in between announcing the names of the two celebrities who must dance again in the quarter-finals. Jean Claude Junker will be sworn in as the new Prime Minister of a United Kingdom in December 2018. Dr Lucy Worsley will win the dance off.
Tess Daly will donate her libel damages from the Daily Mail to Children in Need.
Channel Four will announce that they have secured rights to the Great British Dance Off for 2019. Zoe Ball (10) will move to Channel Four with along with fan favourite Bruno Toniolli whilst Tess remains loyal to the BBC for a million pound pay cheque.
The Director of the Tartan Institute for Scotology will be drinking his winnings on the office Strictly Sweepstake through the medium of blackmarket port from Portugal and a Terry's (11) chocolate orange liquer. Is that what you want, because that's what's going to happen.
The Tartan Institute of Scotology will be teaming up with the Andy Murray Foundation for We're a Tennis Nation Now to bring you all our World Cup and Wimbledon predictions for the summer.
(1) Plural Chumbawhumbi.
(2) Plural Corries
(3) plural Pudsones
(4) plural new-commie
(5) plural vagina
(6) plural Rockettes
(7) plural La La La I Can't Hear You
(8) plual Dynamites
(9) plural Donnii
(10) plural Shirley Ballas
(11) plural Terrys'
Anyway, we're back and we're kicking off our 2018 season with some predictions about the celebrities appearing on Strictly Come Dancing in 2018 and other key information in our devastating blog post - 25 True Facts About Strictly Come Dancing 2018.
Sir Alan now Lord Sugar and Greg Wallace will be hired as pitch side analysts. In business sometimes you have to take risks and they don't come much bigger than this.
The Dave Arch House Band will be refreshed and become a super-group made up of , Dave Dee, David Bowie, Dave McAfee, Dave Lee Travis, David Dimbleby, General Robert E Lee, Dave Stewart, David Beckham, Davood Ghamadi, Kanye West, the remaining Smiths, Alice Nutter from Chumbawhumba (1), Netta Bazilia, and Andrea from the Corrs (2).
A sex scandal will engulf Tess Daly, centering on her relationship with Pudsey (3) the Bear. The Daily Mail will run a headline "Daily Daly and the Bare Bear" and brand her an "enemy of the people." She will sue Perkins.
Kevin Clifton will be paired as the professional partner for famed ballroom dancer, Karen Clifton. He will finish second. Is that you want, because that's what will happen.
People's Hero Paul Dacre will be partnered with new-comer (4) Luba Mushtuk. The Daily Mail will run a campaign attempting to have her deported.
In a Strictly first, forming a same-sex couple, former Brexit Secretary David, now David, Davis will be partnered with Sir Alex now Lord Salmond. They will be the first couple to be eliminated. David Davis will be knighted neutered for his service to which ever mythical country he thinks he lives in.
A surprise late entry will be which ever poor sod from the England football team misses the penalty in the World Cup semi-finals in Russia which sees England eliminated by Germany in a penalty shoot-out. After being branded an "enemy of the people" by 4-4-2 and the Sky Sports podcast he will be hoping to rehabilitate himself in the eyes of the English public. Despite his infamy he will be kept in the competiton by the votes of grateful nation, in this case Scotland. Partnered with Oti Mabuse they will be knocked out in the semi-finals.
The finalists will be Dr Lucy Worsley, Norman "Fatboy Slim" Cook, Sir Billy, now Lord Connoly and Pudsey the Bear
This year's surprise celebrity to go deep in to the competition will be Marvin the Paranoid Android. Partnered with Katya Jones they will be knocked out in the semi-final when pitch side analysis Sir Alan, now Lord Sugar loses his temper and goes for a shock double elimination.
This year's husband and wife celebrity entrant are Offred and the Commander. Offred, partnered with Nadiya Bychkova, will be heavily critisised in the Daily Mail for her wanton attempts to sexualise a family programme. No irony should be inferred by the fact that this story will be run next to a full page photograph of Emma Watson in a bikini and Dakota Blue Richards photoshopped in to a "school girl" outfit and opposite a picture of a bead of sweat running down the inside of Tess Daly's cleavage used to illustrate how EU regulations on stage lighting are destroying British culture.
Noodle from the Gorillaz will break the record for most consequtive appearances in the Dreaded Dance Off. After 8 straight weeks in the dance off she will finish top of the leader board only to sprain her ankle in training the next week and have to pull out for contraceptive reasons.
Vegan (5) campaigner, The Rock, (6) and professional partner Jannette Manrara will bring a touch of class to Musical Week by dancing the Jive to Feed Me from Little Shop of Horrors. Offred and Nadiya Byschkova will dance perhaps the most erotic version of The Old Bamboo from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The new editor of the Daily Mail will threaten to "put those saucy minxes over my knee for a jolly good Brexit Britain spanking." There's nothing creepy about that in a family newspaper. Spankers Weekly will run a back page spread and brand the new editor of the Daily Mail an "enemy of the posterior."
Eventual winner Dr Lucy Worsley will be embroiled in a sex scandal with the Director of the Tartan Shortbread Institute of Scotology, at least that will be the impression given by detailed notes contained in his Dream Diary which will be found by a widowed orphan on the last Eurostar train to leave St Pancras on 29th March 2019.
The Final will over run so badly that it will clash with the Doctor Who Christmas Special (working title "Destiny of the Dalaks of Destiny and the Cyberwomen of Doom." The Plot (for that's what we have to call it now under GDPR, of Destiny of the Dalaks of Destiny will feature a trip to Civil War America where the forces of good, led by General, now Lord, Robert E Lee fights former Prime Minister and Saviour of the Universe, Gordon Brown. Female Doctor Who, the Doctor, now TimeLord Whitaker, will nut Paul Dacre after the Daily Mail publishes pictures of a scantilly clad Rassalon played by former male James Bond Timothy Dalton under the headline " MI All Gown Up Now?" (The editors would like to make it clear that Timothy Dalton is a former, male James Bond and not a former male, Jame Bond, although of course, there is nothing wrong with being a former male James Bond in either case as the male editor of the Daily (former) Mail would agree.
The other celebrity couple to enter will be Lalla (7) Ward and Richard Dawkins. Richard Dawkins will be surprisingly good at the foxtrot.
In preparation for the Brexit Britain no public funding will be allowed to be spent by the BBC on making or showing BBC programmes. Half of the costs of running Strictly Come Dancing will be met by a sponsorship package from Aristoc hosiery. The other half will come from EU funding packages for third world countries. Electricity for the cameras will be provied by zero hours contract Deliveraroo riders hooked up to dynamos (8) and flogged by the female editrix of Spankers' Weekly and lighting will be provided by candles brought from home by the audience and made from recycled whale tallow. Sir Bob, now Lord Give Us Your Fucking Money Geldoff will organise a charity fund-raising concert in the ruins of the Blackpool Tower Ballroom. No one will go.
Claudia Winkleman will behave in an increasingly odd way. No one will think this worthy of comment until she breaks down and confesses live on air to having assassinated Sir Bruce, now Dead Forsyth. Saga Noren, Malmo CID, from the Bridge will be brought in to investigate. The dramatisation of her investigations and further adventures, the Forsyth Saga will become a 21st century classic.
This year's Blackpool show will be moved to Jerusalem after the Blackpool Tower Ballroom is rendered unsafe by fracking.
Brendan Cole will be introduced as a fifth judge replacing Donny (9) Osmond. Before being made permanent he will be sacked for his involvement in an off-air scuffle with Craig Revel-Horward over which one of them is going to nail Bruno to his chair first. Cole will be replaced by David Hasselhoff. Gordon Brown will emerge, like the King Over the Water to pour Scotland's Oil on Strictly's Troubled Waters. Saga Noren will investiate the alleged assault in a surprise fifth series of the Bridge. There's a joke in there somewhere but I don't think any of us care any more, I mean, what's the point, brain the size of a planet and, here I am, a male robot, making tea for Claudia Winkleman.
The SNP will fund Scotland's Future Growth by betting heavily that Vince Cable will win Strictly 2018 and then selling their position for 97 billion New Scottish Groats (£90bn, €1.75) to Jodi Whitaker.
Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman will be seen together at the Jerusalem show sparking rumours of a homosexual, gay, same-sex love affair or, fans fear, a return of Sherlock.
The first show of the season will be interupted as we go live to Downing Street where Prime Mininster Theresa, now Lord May, announces a General Election. The results of GE18 will be announced by David Dimbleby in between announcing the names of the two celebrities who must dance again in the quarter-finals. Jean Claude Junker will be sworn in as the new Prime Minister of a United Kingdom in December 2018. Dr Lucy Worsley will win the dance off.
Tess Daly will donate her libel damages from the Daily Mail to Children in Need.
Channel Four will announce that they have secured rights to the Great British Dance Off for 2019. Zoe Ball (10) will move to Channel Four with along with fan favourite Bruno Toniolli whilst Tess remains loyal to the BBC for a million pound pay cheque.
The Director of the Tartan Institute for Scotology will be drinking his winnings on the office Strictly Sweepstake through the medium of blackmarket port from Portugal and a Terry's (11) chocolate orange liquer. Is that what you want, because that's what's going to happen.
The Tartan Institute of Scotology will be teaming up with the Andy Murray Foundation for We're a Tennis Nation Now to bring you all our World Cup and Wimbledon predictions for the summer.
(1) Plural Chumbawhumbi.
(2) Plural Corries
(3) plural Pudsones
(4) plural new-commie
(5) plural vagina
(6) plural Rockettes
(7) plural La La La I Can't Hear You
(8) plual Dynamites
(9) plural Donnii
(10) plural Shirley Ballas
(11) plural Terrys'